Saturday, April 30, 2005

I was asked about the origins of a "ball" today, initially, I surmised that the room was shaped as a sphere, thus htere was a distinct possibility that the shape could have given rise to it's name.

Fortunately, it has nothing to do with that round sports equipment.

After much research, I have found that "ball" was derived from the latin word "ballare", which means "to dance". It is in fact, the root word for ballet, ballerina, ballad.

So, there.

Gavin pondered @ 23:27

Friday, April 29, 2005
And so, I, remain stuck in base.

So, as the euphoria died down (which was within the hour of reaching home), everything felt rather empty. Afterall, I have been driving without a licence, so what gives?

Nothing.

In fact, I find myself with one motivation less. Something to look forward to no more. This day and age is perhaps, too mundane for my liking.

Now all people talk about is money, wealth and comfort. Granted, these are certainly desireable things, but is there not something more? There are so many yearnings that cannot be fufiled.

Urges that beckon me to experiment with the multitudes of human emotions. Secret wishes to be a hundred thousand different people. These little desires hidding where society cannot taint them.

The world is my stage, yet I cannot perform as I wish. No, no, such acts are frowned upon. They say "How can you not be real? You must be real, for no one will ever accept someone who fantasizes such as you."

Why?

The human mind, is filled unlimited potential. Infinity contained in one soul. If so, why tell me not to dream? Why tell me I can achieve anything, but tell me I cannot try everything.

It is hard enough as it is without tha lack of people who understand the inner makings of my soul. There are only 3? No sorry, there are only 2. Sad. It can be counted with just one hand.

It really is disheartening, trying to communicated with people. So often, they are too occupied with the surface world to care about what lies beneath. So familiar is the scene, where I struggle to find conversation. The effort involved is gargantuan. So maybe, I would choose to remain silent instead.

Especially when I tend to be disappointed easily.

The initial joy, the unspoken understanding, that bridging of the language barrier was quite apparent. I though I found one more person who could understand. However, as time was to reveal, it was wrong. Then for no specific reason, it seems like I was talking to a wall, or rather, I was like a wall just listening and nodding my head.

This lack of confidants. The lack of peers. It is infuriating how it is beyond my ocntrol.

Gavin pondered @ 22:20

Qualified driver

Passed my driving test. What next?

Gavin pondered @ 12:51

Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Revelations

I am far from perfect, thus I find it imperative to clarify some matters that might have been bothering you.

I'd like to say that I do not know much, thus whatever words that I might offer are not to be taken without question. I try my best to share whatever little I have, but to tell the truth, I very much rather hear what you have to say. Unlike most people, I only use conversation as a shield, to be used when I feel ill at ease. I like quiet. Quiet is good.

I must also reveal that I lack social skills that, and I am hardly a fan of crowds. What I am trying to communicate is the fact that I do not enjoy large functions that specifically require my participation. Please refrain yourself from trying to invite me to such occasions, there can always be excuses to explain my absence, I am sure. It's not that I find it a chore, but I just have to politely decline something that does not appeal to me.

There is of course also you who find it necessary to monitor my every movement. I am an ADULT, you understand? Such actions will only inccur needless frustrations and irritation. What would it accomplish to know my every movement? It is you, who I think needs to grow up instead.

Of course there is also you who shelters, but shelters in excess. You always put me in a fix. How am I supposed to reject your gifts? Yet, how can I accept everything? Please know your limits, because I cannot be nice forever.

Then, there's you who thinks I can do everything. Maybe you are right, but just because I complete whatever you ask withouta grumble does not give you reason enough to push your luck. Everything has it's breaking point, but I would not like to find out what is mine.

And you who I have seemed to have neglected, do not fret. Just because I do not call your name does not mean I do not care. As long as I know you are getting on fine, that keeps me satisfied. National Service is indeed a chore.

Finally for you who are searching, like how I am searching. I assure you this is the wrong place to search. Just as futile as my pointless search through binary and codes. I cannot help much in your search except to tell you that it probably cannot be found in virtual space. Maybe it is waiting there right in your face. Please do tell me the solution when you find it. It might aid me.


Thank you Sirs and Madams, for your kind attention.

Gavin pondered @ 19:18

Monday, April 25, 2005
History lesson

Despite all the beauty and marvels that man has devised, in spite of all the ingenuity and wonders that Man has sired, they never cease to prove me wrong.

They rive that humans can also be so shallow.

They insist on fighting for a hallow title, one that would not change anything except how their nation would come to be addressed as. More alarming is the fact that the people are not aware of the consequences, of the possible blood shed that will result. Ask them why they fight, they will tell you they have fought since they can remember, for it is in their blood and in their heritage.

The same humans mull over history, demanding compensation for the crimes of a generation long since past. A crime committed by a generation they have long since faded from sight, retreated into obscurity, and for all I know, long gone from this plane. Have they not questioned that fact that if the War had produced a different outcome, the side they proclaimed the liberator would be playing to role of the antagonist. Also, have they not spared any thought for the soldiers, innumerable young men would were lead into believing their cause was right. Have they not cried for young men who died uncomprehending of the circumstances?

I can only say that it is all in the past, and that everyone is as much a perpetrator of the crime as they are victims of the heinous act. It is only the foolish who claim the past indubitably concrete. The past is but a mist the obscures even the most insightful of men.

And as one has inevitably come to understand, Man cannot resist the shroud of the past.

It as the moth cannot resist the candle flame. Likewise, there will always be people who cannot resist the bright flame of the past. It is instinct to head towards the fire, yet even if it singes one’s wings, one has no choice but to persist. Why? Because one does not have any viable alternative. One only knows that an inexplicable urge dictates one’s actions. Even when one realizes that the fire will only be one’s demise, one cannot stop for it is the only thing one holds dear, the only thing one knows as 'real', Take away that conviction and one’s existence is negated. No one with any ounce of sanity or any rational thought would choose to lose one’s point of existence. One would rather exists for a lost cause than cease to be.

Thus, one would naturally choose to die martyrs.

Unfortunately, one will not. One will merely end up as a statistic, or at best, a footnote in time. As it is, one is a victim of history. A victim of one’s device. Rather, the victim of a device.

For the past is man's last refuge of truth. The past expounds an unyielding certainty, or so it appears to most. The past is reassuring, because it cannot be changed, it is, as the ancients described, "written in stone". However, what is written in stone is not necessarily the truth to begin with. It is merely an insight into a small facet of what constitutes a greater picture. History is undoubtedly real, but it is only as real as the scribes allow it to be.

Yet one must also understand that the scribes do not posses perfect knowledge. Regardless of the quantity or accuracy of their accounts, they will never capture every possible angle of a specific event. Not when it is practically an impossibility to locate every witness to the event. Also, questionable is the obstinacy of the scribe. Would the scribe record as he see and hears or would he write with a knife to his throat?

The past is not a book that one can easily read. It is akin to a sticky quagmire of hatred, lies, deceit, triumph, victory, honor, glory, courage and hope. A lost generation's legacy that lingers and unrelentingly beckons the unwary to propagate the lost agendas and forgotten ideals that survived the tides of time unscathed.

Therein lies the greatest paradox; the past is written by the multitudes of lost travelers, and not the one who found his way out of the swap. The only one qualified to write history is an observer. One who exists outside. However, a true observer would understand that the past couldn’t be put in words. The sheer enormity of it all proves all too overwhelming to express in a matter of words and sentences. As is the definition of an observer dictates that he cannot be involved with the events, thus it is only logical to concede that history should only be study by one who has extricated oneself from the bounds of said timeline. One who by obligation will not and cannot interfere with events concerning that certain past event. Otherwise, one would find that one is only nothing more than an experienced navigator in the quagmire.

Even to the most experienced traveler with the brightest torch, there exists a possibility of losing one's path.

Therefore, it is one’s personal responsibility to guide whom one meets in the mist of time, to the best of one’s abilities. However, it is unreasonable to request that one aid all one might chance upon. Thus the most basic of responsibilities, the most obligatory of gestures is to ensure one never dispenses false directions. One who is as lost as any other has not purpose going about trying to further confuse when one cannot ascertain that one has indeed found one’s path. To resort to such acts are a reflection of one’s devious nature, and is unpardonable.

Such act constitutes a sin.

----------

What I can show you is the reality, but what you remember is a fantasy. Don't forget.

Gavin pondered @ 22:35

Sunday, April 24, 2005
Rollei SL35ME

So I was initiated through the ranks of the Rollei SL35, and took a 4 camera leap straight to the SL35ME. Yes, that's the camera that my Uncle entrusted to my care today.

The difference between this and the SL35? the SL35ME has got a auto shutter speed setting, which sets the shutter speed according to the light meter.This time, I picked two other types of lens to try. The 135 and 50 was utilized quite fully the previous shoot, so I grabbed a wide angle 25 and also a 60 macro lens with a further 30 mm extension body.

That means, I am probably going to spend one roll of film just taking macro shots.

----------

And to my uttter delight, I found a hidden cache of cash. Apparently, I must have stashed it there in my younger days. Hmm... I do recall having a few hidden caches, maybe I would find more when I decide to spring clean my room.

In the meanwhile, I will still be preoccupied with photography. Using a manual camera is so much more enthralling and intriguing.

Just listening to my Uncle tell me about the cameras is such an enjoyable experience. The precision of the mechanics and the craftsmanship, such impeccable attention to detail simply astounds me. So much so that when I hold the camer, I can just feel the intricate construction of the body and can do nothing to stop myself from being mesmerized by the sheer beauty of it all.

The most impressive part? The SL35ME is at least 20 years old.

Gavin pondered @ 19:45

Saturday, April 23, 2005

First of, I must apologize for the pictres. They have apparently distorted the layout of my blog. The problem would go away as soon as that entry enters the archives.

Gavin pondered @ 19:41

Friday, April 22, 2005

The photos from the wednesday shoot's out. Out of 37 shots, 34 were printed. 1 was underexposed, and 2 were overexposed.

Overall, 12 shots are decent. Check them out.

Gavin pondered @ 20:19

Wednesday, April 20, 2005
The impeccably dressed Gareth

Viola.

Gavin pondered @ 19:37

The weather was pretty good, although still lacking when light is concerned.

She did not change much, and expectadly, she did not really recognize me. "Look what the army did to you" She said. How sweet.

First off, we went down to Parkview Square, that gothic building I had always wanted to photograph. From the outside it was spectacular, and inside, it had wonderful bronze statutes of prominent figures in history. Brilliant, however, one cannot help shake of a sense that it was done by a designer who wanted to incorporate chinese and western elements. Did not really work well, but overall, it was still pretty nice.

Then made our way down tosuntec, millenia walk, esplanade, and The Fullerton. Time passed quite quickly though, there was no denying she felt awkward. That was why I had to ask her out to make sure I don't lose a friend.

Just as we were about to set out for more shots, it began to rain.

Then I made an unexpected decision. I suggested we parted there, and offered to see her off to the train station. Instead of waiting out the rain in the Fullerton. Somehow, it just did not feel right. Something just felt different.

I'm glad to know that she doesn't hate me. It seems only natural to hate the other after what happened. A sign of maturity perhaps?

Anyway, I continued my photo shoot. After all I had 6 shots left.

Did finally use up those shots after spending a further 2 hours trying to wait for the rain to subside.

The photos would be out on friday. I can't wait to see the results.

Gavin pondered @ 17:04

Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Incoherent

So I shall be going photo taking tomorrow. With someone I shouldn't.

Curiousity dictates it such that I feel compelled to experiment with those emotions again. To see if those hidden memories prove to evoke the same reactions or would they produce a new experience after all this time. After all I've been through.

I remember how she had dared me to let go. I did. A quite unexpected move, even surprising myself, but the results were "refreshing" at the very least. One can almost say it forced me to grow overnight.

There will always be a stigma about looking back, but this time, it's about facing the past, it is about confronting your my fears. My own insecurities. Eventually, you stop wondering what would have been, and it all begins to seem so distant as the self-defence device, the one known as dissociation and denial start to paint over the truth with the colors of your memories.

Stories are invented to reduce the anguish, and lies are weaved into webs to protect the fragile heart inside.

I don't really know whether I should laugh or cry, because I know the tales have been created to placate the tormented soul, and to at least retain that shred of dignity, or that glimmer of pride.

It's funny really, how one tries so hard to portray a false front. As if trying to sell a false image would heal the wounds. On the contrary, it only is slightly better than rubbing salt into raw wounds.

Thus it is imperative that the past be accept.

And tomorrow, I must remember to catch up on the old times. At the very least, thank her. Not in sarcasm, but sincerely. The right actions a little too late. Still better than never.

Gavin pondered @ 23:40

I wishED I HAD wings

I discovered the RSAF did receive my pilot application and they did reply.

Only problem? They replied 6 months too late.

So I have to regretfully tell them that as much as I'd like to accept their offer, I can't because I'm in the wrong PES status.

I guess I'll have to remain a "ground-boy" then.

You cannot imagine how exasperated I feel now.

Gavin pondered @ 18:05

Monday, April 18, 2005

There were quite a few dogs and a few crabs at the office today. That's what you get when a star decides to come down for a look see.

But anyways, that was just a little sidetrack.

Today, PM Lee announced that Singapore would be building not 1, but 2 casino. Kind of unexpected, that is the decision to build 2. It was pretty obvious that the casino was goind to be approved from the start.

No matter. I don't care for the casino. I am instead looking forward to the resort that would be built on the Marina Bay front. I have quite a high expectation and hopefully I am not disappointed. Imagine, the plans for an F1 street circuit, and all the other possibilities.

For all I know, they might even build an indoor resort. Just like how I always wished. Like a wonderland. Maybe they could make wonderland the theme.

I like the possibilities, but it probably is not what they have in mind.

It doesn't matter that much, just as long as it is well designed and well constructed. I am afterall, easily swayed by visual beauty.

Gavin pondered @ 18:49

Sunday, April 17, 2005
Doe a deer, a female deer

Met up with Nicholas before we headed off to watch the sound of music.

It's with a certain trepidation that I step into the esplanade theatre hall. Afterall, it is not often one looks forward to watching a play from one's childhood. Especially one that has left a lasting impression.

And indeed, one would be far from disappointed.

The seats were a far cry from ideal, but that was beyond my control.

The props were brilliant. They gave the impression of being 2D, but my delight, it was a very clever play on perspective.

The music was wonderful with a live symphony playing the soundtrack flawlessly.

Of course, how can we talk about this performance without a mention of its songs. The singing was outstanding. The actors all could really sing beautifully, and their acting was also of a high standard. As Neubs put it, it was well rehearsed.

The only fact I ruefully resent is the presence of a few unpleasant people. to my utter disappointment, a cellphone went of during the play. I always believe that the performance of an art requires both performers and audience to leave their lives out side the doors of the theatre for just one moment and immerse themselves in a world that is shared by the audience and actors. It is a culmination of the efforts of the arts and the moment created in the confines of the theatre spans infinite. It is a sacred place, and the santity of the theatre cannot be defiled in the course of the play. It is an obligation the audience has to the actors. It is a trust between the two parties, that I personally find an unforgivable sin to corrupt this agreement.

Other than that, I had an enjoyable time today.

Gavin pondered @ 18:57

Heh.

Gavin pondered @ 00:14

Saturday, April 16, 2005
A cafe that ain't that bad

The guys we headed off to City Hall after balling today.

Cafe Cartel's not a bad place. The ambience is decent, they give free flow bread, which by the way is excellent. Fresh, oven baked bread.

Also, their serving of food is generous. The quality is far from the best, but it's nowhere near atrocious. That's quite commendable actual, for it's price range.

Now, I must be getting back to fixing the problems that have arisen after I reformatted my hard drive.

Gavin pondered @ 21:01

I am glad to announce I have nothing constructive to say.

So to all my concerned readers, I'm not dead.

Gavin pondered @ 00:30

Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Currahee: We stand alone together.

"I said no... I'm not a hero, but I fought with a company of heroes."
-Maj Dick Winters, 101st Airnorne

No one is a hero in war, the only heroes are only the ones who fight by your side. Yet if you were on the opposing side, they would be your enemy.

Pride, honour and glory are merely flowers trying to conceal the rifle. In war, there is only survival. But you stick together and watch out for each others butt. The only means of survival is to emsure a bullet never finds your flesh, and that means being absolutely sure your fellow men is not the one to put that bullet through your corpse.

Kill without remorse and kill without mercy, otherwise be killed. No matter how noble they say war is, only blood and tears are shed.

Pity on the soul who finds joy in the rage of war, who fight to be the best.

Pointless violence. Useless bikering. Incomprehensible actions.

How much longer will the world threaten to wage another war?

I bloody never want to see another war.

Gavin pondered @ 22:51

At the Esplanade

In 4 days time!

Can't wait.

Gavin pondered @ 09:25

Monday, April 11, 2005
Listen boy. You have much to learn.

Met with Ying Mei today. Was supposed to buy CDs at HMV, BUT, they did not stock any of them.

Spent most of the day at Kino - Taka, Kino - Liang Court, then Kino - Taka again. Quite a leisurely day and rather enjoyable. (Lazy bum strikes again. Here's her summary)

Mei did say two things today, that really left a deep impression.


Mei: If you won't sacrifice everything for equality. won't that make you a hypocrite?

What she said was chillingly heavy, and ultimately true.

Would I sacrifice everything for what I believe in? That question is a simple one, yet I cannot give a clear answer. What am I fighting for? What will I give my all for?

I know who I want to be, that has been occupying my time, but curiously, for what and why?

The preoccupation with trying to establish my individuality has created my person, and, there remains the purpose.

For what. For who. Why. I want to find out.

It's not sufficient to say what I do is for a value. If I do, then the question is, why that value? To quote a value without undestanding, that is moreso a sin than not having a value. Blind belief is called obstinance.

It is especially bad when someone becomes so obstinate he ceases to listen. Instead, he only talks.

Then Mei said: I don't deserve what I have.

Seriously, I don't either.

Not after today. She's absolutely right. On what presumption can I surmise that I deserve whatever I have? That fallicious. My arrogance is unjustified. I mean what have I done to earn anything except for being born. Why then am I so proud of that? Why in the world am I mistaken into thinking I'm different from everyone.

Gavin pondered @ 18:01

Sunday, April 10, 2005

A fly was bothering me, so I tried to reason with it. After 5 minutes of excellent arguements, it fly off, convinced that was the best course of action.

Gavin pondered @ 14:05

Friday, April 08, 2005

Having nothing to do brings out the worst in me. The office is becoming quiet once again, and though many would rejoice thatn the workload has lightened, I reckon I am the only one wishing it would not be the case.

Too much free time induces a inert state. The brain refuses to do anything constructive, and remains obstinately fixed on the mundane.

Wandering thoughts.

Useless wallowing in self-pity and a fixation on everything impertinent.

I obviously need to find a solution to this problem. I simply must.

Gavin pondered @ 23:57

Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Shutter Lag

A digital SLR will always have shutter lag.

There goes any thought of procuring a digital SLR. I definitely cannot afford any shutter lag, especially if I require to take moving shots or moving subjects.

Oh well. Back to the countless hours of searching for a suitable Optical camera candidate.

Maybe I'll get a range-finder instead. My Uncle's managed to convince me that the range-finder performs better than an SLR.

Let me explain the SLR to readers who are less inclined on this topic. SLR stands for Single Lens Reflex, which means that the viewfinder image is reflected by a mirror directly from the camera lens. THus the name Single Lens Reflex. So when the camera's shutter is depressed, the mirror will be moved, allowing the light to fall onto the negative.

There's one major flaw in that. Mirror shake. When the mirror is pulled back to allow the light to fall on the negative, it causes the camera body to shake.

The range-finder eliminates that problem, because it uses two lenses, the main lens and the viewfinder lens. So there's no need for a mirror. (I'm not in the mood to explain why the range-finder's viewfinder image will not vary with the lens image due to the distance between the two different lenes... It's too tedious)

Gavin pondered @ 14:14

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Someone put up a REALLY horrible shot of a good drawing. So, I have to right a wrong.



There you go. =)

Gavin pondered @ 21:33

Monday, April 04, 2005
Priorities are discussed

Sometimes you try so hard to enjoy yourself, but you still can't. Especially when one's definition of fun is radically different from one's company.

No matter how much I love the game, one can't force me to love all who play it. What can I do except withdraw into my own universe? How can I not do that when it is plainly obvious that we live in different worlds. They like company, slapstick, sarcasm. I like contemplation, dedication and meaning.

When I attempt to join them, that gap is only further accentuated. Yet if I don't there will be no opportunity to form and comaraderie. However, how can any binds form when such gatherings only accents that disparity.

I reckon I should just be myself. After all, the labels of "anit-social, quiet, withdrawn" are all mere names people give to that which they cannot comprehend.

They must understand that man is not necessarily a wholly social creature.

And I? I must set my priorities straight. I cannot allow myself to be satisfied, neither can I lower my expectations.

Gavin pondered @ 23:04

Sunday, April 03, 2005
Rollei

My Uncle showed me 2 amazing cameras today.

Both Rollei.

The first one, a Rollei SL35 in gold. Yes, solid gold.

The other one was a Rollei Twin Lens Reflex camera. Also gold, with crocodile skin finish.

Bloody speechless.

Gavin pondered @ 19:55

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Star light, star bright.

A wonderous song of timeless peace
Sweet melody where lovers meet
And travellers sing its ancient tune
Beneath the sky and silver moon

The beautiful voice of the stars.

Good night my dears.

Gavin pondered @ 22:49

Friday, April 01, 2005
Calvin and Hobbes

I swear it's just so endearing.
(image courtesy of ucomics)

Gavin pondered @ 15:36

News Agencies:

"In the statement, Dr Navarro-Valls said the Pope had received the Holy Viaticum – communion reserved for those near death – and had decided for himself not to go to hospital for treatment."

Gloomy news for the Catholics.

And perhaps, an excellent opportunity for global politics.

Gavin pondered @ 15:13

Other Good Reads tfaduh Houf UNposted letter Neubs Nick's now at Blogspot Ying Mei Pink Tank Claire Meixian Alwyn Gideon Hasif Cheryl Adam Tim ShenYong Joanne Heng Tin Simple Bear HaoFat Tianhao Janan Jianxiong Samantha Alex SuChang Sherman Colin Sanjiv Clement Zhong Zhen Slightly Pretentious Food Floble! Falleen Hian Liang Gerald Jon Fergus Anette Dilbert Blog Mr. Brown Miyagi.sg A Welsh View My Opendiary Singapore Ink