Monday, January 31, 2005
Blackhole day
My day was sucked into a gaping blackhole, and spit out 12 hours later. Don't like it when I have nothing to do.
As I dream of mines and smiley faces, the colored numbers rolling out a psychedelic esctacy. Hold on. It wasn't ecstasy. More like having the brain on a spin cycle.
I yearn for work. That's wrong. But it is also wrong to remain unproductive.
Minesweeper is absolutely addictive. Though repetition soon gets the better of you.
Bleah. The day is ending soon, and tomorrow might be a busy day.
There's a little storm brewing now. Cool. The smell of adventure makes my blood boil.
I'm saved.
Gavin
pondered @ 16:03
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Smart Ass
I have a smarting posterior. Ouch.
It's generally never good news when you can't sit without having to shift all the weight onto on half of your butt. Too enthusiastic with the game today, and ended up on the floor on several occasions.
Sometimes you just forget about the reality around you and the world becomes your world. I like that feeling. It bestows an unpaaralleled confidence and no one else can defile these sacred grounds., for they will never step on foot into this sanctuary.
If only I can learn to mantain this state of mind forever. It's going to take time.
But of course man never wants what he already has.
What I want now is a long, long rest. Maybe a strong cup of hot chocolate. Can never have enough chocolate.
Gavin
pondered @ 22:06
Saturday, January 29, 2005
What should've been an excellent day. Mared by fatigue.
STONED.
Woke up with 5 hours of sleep? Maybe less. Dragged my unwilling flesh off to the driving center. Then proceeded to mount a few kerbs before I woke up. The feel of speed never fails to revive the speed demon especially this one. Revision lessons... Yawn, and it's more than a month away from the actual test.
Got home and a quick change and off I went. Just as well, but I ended up reaching later than YingMei. I always end up late, and I feel rather bad about it.
For some reason, I was tongue tied the whole afternoon. Not the speechless kind of tongue tied, but the "tongue keeps trying to hit wrong part of mouth resulting in poor pronounciation of words" kinda tongue tied.
Rotten start to a day, fortunately it got better, otherwise I would have been on the verge of kicking myself to kingdom come.
Lunch at the Sushi place at taka's basement Kiku Shushi if memory serves. The quality of food there has dropped, though I was still of acceptable standards. Sorry Mei... Didn't really meet up to expectations. The next time I'll make sure there's good food. On a brighter note, the desert was free due to some *ahem* technicalities. =)
Then I also remember chocolates, really sweet chocolates. Ying Mei likes Truffle Royale. Something about strawberry shorbert and artificial berries. A mention of pearls and tiffany's. Opera Galleria's new collection's not spectacular. A book in Kinokuniya about the philosophy of being an idler.
That's what happens when you try to pretend you're wide awake and alert when you're really dozing off in your brain.
Later headed off to Neub's palce for his birthday party. Good food there, that I am sure. His mom's pasta is just wonderful, that I cannot stress enough. Got a little traumatized by the insane amount of army speak there... Yeow. But otherwise enjoyable. Also got reminded why I do not like alcohol.
I'm pooped. Off to bed.
Gavin
pondered @ 23:23
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Philips Key Ring KEY010 128 MB
Anyone knows where in the stiking island of Singapore I can find a retailer who actually stocks this??
Much thanks.
Gavin
pondered @ 23:18
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Motivate me
There has been a great question lingering over the mind the past year that never ceases to make known it's presence. "What am I here for?"
It is one of those what do you call it... Yes, a quarterlife crisis I believe. Yet, again, it is not so much a quarterlife crisis, but rather a transitional traffic jam. Like many other young men, we are stuck in a frustrating cold storage, known collectively as National Service, also known affectionately as the f#$%ed place/time.
There's simply no motivation in this stinking place. Concepts of motivation, efficiency, and not to forget competence are entirely foreign to the SAF. The SAF is an organization borne out of necessity and through a tradition that was taken from another civilization.
This army is not our own, not at the moment. At present it is a pseudo-military force, more closely resembling boy's scouts with guns.
Seriously speaking, this army is still green, and what ever system it has in place at the current moment is a combination of the remenants of the colonial years(British Army) and efforts of the "old guard." At present it is but a little too young and inexperienced to support the bravado that the SAF likes to put on. To the world it appears to be a top-class fighting force, but underneath the surface, experts would know that we've merely given guns to boys.
When the SAF has never faced the ravages of war, I believe it is inappropriate to lay claim to the apparent status that this "armed force" has chosen to bestow upon itself.
While it remains true that even boys with guns(make that big guns) can be a potentially lethal force, it remains to be seen whether these boys can display the calm and poise of a seasoned warrior. As I said, boys with guns can be lethal, but not necessarily lethal to the opposing faction.
Boys with guns... Boys will be boys and boys will hate boys, even if they are boys from the same team. First of all, there has never been a real effort put into resolving the numerous differences that exists between the different personalities that one may find in any large group. There will be a trend towards cliques emerging and the results ranging from a lack of belonging to the more serious problem of internal friction.
It is often mentioned that in these 2 years, it is not worth it to spend half of it trying to bond the men together and that these efforts are more likely to be focused on the "regulars," the people who make the army their career. For one, I beg to differ, for I would rather take a team of men would can work together as one over a group of better trained men any day.
rapport amongst teammates can never be sufficiently stressed, yet is almost the one important aspect of a group dynamic that always will not neglected.
Perhaps it is easier to buy the team better equipment, and be assured of the quality of the items, then spend 2 years trying to make them work as a team and realizing that they cannot.
As you can see, it is easier to believe that the assurance afforded by any material purchase are substantial, however it does not always adhere to that law. It is a fallacy to believe that any advantage gained through better equipment can be quantified against the benefits of having a cohesive unit.
Like any car, it has to go through countless hours of rigorous testing to determine the safety of the chasis in the event of an accident, however, all those test that are carried out can only be considered to be the second best option apart from analyzing an actually test. However, it is not logical to test a million cars in ever conceivable accident scenarios would it? Imagine the tremendous resources required to carry out such a task. Also, it would be unethical to crash a car with a real human being inside it. Simply put, the phase space of all possible scenarios are simply immense, that being the case, the safety rating of the car is merely an average of a few possible outcomes.
The same can be applied to any military equipment in production. The real value cannot be easily explained, except in terms of potential. A rifle might have a potential range of 500m but that does not directly imply that it has killed an enemy at that range yet. All the values of the destructive weapons and the protective properties of armory are also just potential values. They are by no means absolute.
It like saying that you can run 3000m and you ran 3000m.
When we speak of potential, it is considered almost impossible to put a value on the potential of an intangible object, thus it it often a "wiser" choice to invest in potential values that can be expressed in numerals.
That is the choice that the SAF has made. True, it is not an unwise choice, and true that in the real world, people are more afraid of numbers than an intangible quantity, but If I was to decide, I would fear the power of the human spirit more than some figures.(Provided that there is a basic fufilment of certain numbers and figures. You cannot depend on 1000 men with out guns to defeat a bomber would you? there of course has to exist a basic equilibrium of men to equipment)
----------
Being in the SAF is really a test of your motivation. What are you motivated to serve for? For country? Please spare me that bout of patriotism. This society is moreso a little collection of mutilple "mes" and "selves". Trying to get them to fight for a "we" is only a futile waste of effort.
Too many people in the army lack any form of motivation. That is a rather neglected fact, and little is being done to rectify that. Too often in the SAF people are forced to do things because they "have to" not because they want to, not beacause they like to and most importantly, not because it is fun.
There is something wrong with the motivation in this weird organization. Too often, the people in command tend to segregate themselves from the men. I hear that in Officer School, they are lead to think that they are a different class of people from the men that they will be in command of. Well, if they really fell that way, at least try to hide it from your men, make them beleive that you actually treat them as equals. True it is unethical to put on such a facade, but at least, it would produce a more condusive work environment, and would at least make the men more willing to work for their bosses.
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I need motivation to pull myself through the remaining 20 months. Damn.
This place is just not where I want to be. Though I'm in an environment that is almost free of regimentation and such, it still is a big chore to live a life without any long term motivation. True, that little events here and there can sustain enthusiasm in the short term, it is just an empty feeling that replaces it when said events pass.
It's just so taxing to understand that you are merely part of a psychological warfare, that this SAF is more a mental defence than a
Maybe I need to find out what I want in life... A lifelong goal to sustain the zest for life. For the moment, the prospect of ORD would have to suffice. What beholds in the University can wait.
Gavin
pondered @ 08:59
Monday, January 24, 2005
Scrap the previous idea
After some patient research(a rare occurance but nonetheless, a wise decision), I've learnt that my computer will not be able to fully utilize the 6600 card.
Apparently my system's running AGP 4X as opposed to the require 8X of the 6600. That does not imply that I will be unable to utilize the card, but it proposes an interesting dilema. The card will still carry out it's functions, but there is a limit to how much of that power my computer will potentially maximize. You see, It's like having 10 gaqrdeners trying to water 5 pots of plants will 5 watering cans.
At the moment, using the FX5200 is akin to having 8 farmers with 5 watering cans trying to water 20 plants.
The farmers would in this case refer to the graphics card, the watering can my computer system and the plants are the game requirements.
At the present moment, the FX5200 card(AGP 8X) is not even fully utilized by my AGP4X, as demonstrated by the AquaMark test rating that proved 2000 points lower than the standard FX5200 result(7234 compared to a 9300)
Oh well... It looks as though i would have to get a new computer or do some serious upgrading. At the present, the AGP 8X is only equivalent to 10 watering cans, with the PCI-E(16X) being able to perform at twice that of the AGP8X.
Oh darn it. Looks like ALOT of cash would have to change hands. Curses. If only more of them were in my hands now.
Gavin
pondered @ 20:34
N33d 1337 G124ph1X C412D
The GeForce FX5200 runnning in my com is no way close to an average performer. In fact, the preformance is severly lacking.
Must get better graphics card.
A little check on the benchmark tests indicate the inadequacy of the FX5200. Performing at levels even lower than the GeForce 4... just 6.2 fps on Doom3... Wth?
I noticed the problem when playin Neverwinter Nights already... A 2/3 year old game causing lag on 800x600 resolution? That's a serious problem.
So, I think I will require a purchase of a new graphics card.
Yes, so it shall be the Geforce 6600GT, after much deliberation. It'll set me back almost $400... but, I think that's the way to go.
Gavin
pondered @ 09:39
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Jealousy the best form of flattery
Whenever one experiences jealousy, has it occurred to try and comprehend the significance of that emotion.
What defines jealousy?
Jealousy arises when one has an inclination to feel inferior. An inferiority complex that esclates and manifests itself as an emotion. A particular emotion, that if left to fester, will develop into hate.
But have you ever considered the possibility that jealousy is a form of compliment?
If one were jealousy of a bodybuilder, one indirectly admits that said person posses a physique one would like to have. Same applies to many other cases, wealthy people, beautiful people, influential people, and even the lover of one's crush.
As one can see, jealous is an unconstructive emotion, therefore, it is imperative that one stirves to be rid of said emotions. Feeling jealous will never improve the situation one finds lacking. However, it would be wise to contemplate the various methods that will be about an improvement in the status quo. In other, do not let oneself continue feeling jealous, but do go and try to improve one self to transcend the petty quandry that one had found oneslef in.
I must admit that I am one who feels a jealousy towards many things around me, but I want to change that, so I can be better than those I feel are superiror. I must stiop thinking how they are superior, and focus on how to reach their level, or maybe, even surpass their level.
It is important that a line be drawn between admiration and jealousy, that obssession and determination not be confused. I will become better.
Gavin
pondered @ 20:07
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Not satisfied
After countless blotched attempts at writing anything remotely intelligent, I've instead come to write about my dissatisfaction.
Having written and subsequently deleted 7 posts, it's is rather obvious that I am not to be easily satisfied, especially when it concerns myself.
That's right, I cannot even satisfy my own expectations. But that does not come as a surprise. Even upon return to OSC, I cannot help by find the relief and gratefulness slowly fade into obscurity. Instead, replacing it are the inadequacies of the present.
It is true, I have grown restless again, and the dreams of greater, better pastures gradually surface as the days slowly passs.
However, I am not longer surprised, and I shall no longer obssess, for Man cannot ever be satisfied. It's a paradox for Man to find the "prefect" world.
Understand that Man will always search for a better alternative, ever searching for that one special palce. When Man reached the moon, he did not find it satisfying, he then wondered how the surface of Mars would be.
This is a unending process, an infinite loop. Man achieves his dream, and the next day, he has another dream. When we find solution to a problem, we will then proceed to ask "how can we make the solution even better?"
That is what I love about the Human race, the insatiable appetite for progress, and the incurable itch of curiousity.
There have been advocates of the belief "Abandon your desires, and proceed to peace."
Well, it may be a nice little ideal for the elderly who has had a life time of trying to achieve all their fantasies, but for anyone less, it is not acceptable to stop trying. The moment you stop trying to improve, then the point of existence is null.
That's my personnel opinion anyway... On that's I'm satisfied with for the moment.
Gavin
pondered @ 14:37
Monday, January 17, 2005
Work in Progress
Please bear with it, need to work out the kinks, but I'm getting sleepy.
Gavin
pondered @ 22:32
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Congratulations team Singapore for lifting the TIger Cup. But do rememebr clearly that this is merely a small step towards greater things.
Gavin
pondered @ 21:45
Friday, January 14, 2005
The Singapore Blood bank is running low on their supplies of A and O type blood group, cause there has been a lack of donors in the holidays owing to all the celebrations.
Sso anyone who's a blood donor or any interested parties? I'll be going down soon, and trust me, it doesn't hurt. I've donated twice and I can atest to that statement. It's only going to take an hour at the very most.
So anyone who's above 18 years of age, and weigh more than 45kg, you're eligible to donate blood,.
(To all my friends in NS, I'm not sure if we can donate cause I heard you can't for a year after you take your Malaria pills)
Maybe we could go down together?
Let's do our little bit to help society.
Gavin
pondered @ 21:24
Thursday, January 13, 2005
I'm falling ill...
Someone in the office has the flu bug, and I think I've caught it. I hope I don't fall ill.
Anyway, today would see a little show case of a few cars. Do bear with me and try not to drool over these machines. =)
The BMW M6
The BMW M5
Mercedes BEnz SL55 AMG
Mercedes Benz SLR McLaren
Audi TT
Gavin
pondered @ 21:25
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Under the velvet sky
This evening, I lay on the ground, gazing into the vast black sky. Watching the stars twinkle, adn the cresecent moon, the time slowly flows. The view was beautiful.
As the universe crept through thee skies, I find myself inexorably being drawn in by the sheer enormity of thwe world.
That is when I truly realize how insignificant one really is. No matter waht actions one may take, it's consequences will not affect the universe. In fact, any repercussions will probably not have any influence on objects outside our solar system.
It is thus with a view of our insignificance that the true significance is revealed.
Consider this, and rethink how you want to live your life. How you choose to think, is beyond me, but do remember the significance of the human race. Remember what then is important.
Gavin
pondered @ 22:00
A no so intelligent intelligent post
A century to man is a lifetime, but a millennia to the earth compares to just a fleeting
instant, and when put before the age of the Universe, the life of the plane is close to
insignificant. Therefore, is it justified to conclude that the Earth, and consequently, the
human race did not exist.
That is one possible view to adopt, that cannot be denied. However, to the inhabbitants of this
planet, it is only natural to assume that their existence is their upmost concern. As if
evolved on that planet, a form of consciousness would emerge, and with the evolution of this
understanding, it became what we would come to know as intelligence. Yet, how many men can
detail what is in essence, intelligence. Intelligence is neither physical nor temporal, yet
it's presence cannot be denied. Invariably, we can one conclude that it is more a concept than anything other.
What is intelligence? Is it a measure of understanding, or maybe an aptitude for the manipulation of numbers and figures. How about the ability to manage the movement of little colored pieces of paper, and in particular, the accumulation of said pieces of paper(for those who don't understand, the paper I refer to is money.). Some people consider intelligence to be the ability to understand the physical world, and some even argue that intelligence can also be equated to artistic and music excellence.
So, it is left to us to ponder if there is one universal definition of intelligence. The answer is more likely to be nary.
So why is man obsessed with intelligence. I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. Why do man obsess about anything and everything that they can conceptualize?
obsession is is man's nature. That's rather cut. In history, this little hypothesis has been proven over and over again, yet it occurs without fail. Are intelligent beings not the ones that are supposed to be able to learn form their mistakes, and NOT repeat them? Repeating one's mistakes are not a very viable trait in the great game of survival.
Oh... I just found my answer. Nature needs people to repeat their mistakes, then it can be rid of the inadequate specimens. Smart move, there. How intelligent.
And oh, those brilliant scientist who gave us all we have now, are they not intelligent. Sure, but considering that the same progress was the one which created the weapons of mass destruction(Where are they, George... Where are they?) won't that make progress average when the intelligent part cancels out the stupid moves?
But anyways, what I am really trying to say is that intelligence is not something you can clearly define. That being said, the truly intelligent people will not seek to measure how intelligent they are. On the contrary, the intelligent people are those that find it futile to continue to obsess over intelligence. Everyone is intelligent in their own rights.
So what kind of inteligent person do you want to be?
Gavin
pondered @ 11:04
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Take a moment
Take a moment and stop begrudging how the world mistreated you. Stop to think about the other people out there, the people like the handicap, the elderly abandoned in the old folk's home, the starving children , and the countless others less well off.
May we learn that our troubles are merely child's play compared to the hardships that they are being put through. Think of their plight, where problems are not about money, not about love, nor about stree, theirs is a struggle for survival, a struggle for the right to live, and a struggle to face the world.
We must be grateful for the prosperity we find ourselves in. When I see the courage, the determination and the will to live in many of therse people, I cannot help be feel ashamed that I allow myself to believe that the "pains" I am going through are anything worth mentioning , when these other people face far greater challenges with nary a frown. They have earned my respect, and admiration. To count our blessing and not demand more. That is truly a fighting spirit worthy of emulation. Indeed, I find it hard to discren who is really more complete, who is stronger, us or them.
They ahve inspired me.
Sometimes I wish I could just spend my life helping these people, do my little bit to alleviate their pain, to try and make their life that little bit easiier. For now, I can try to do my best to help in any way possible.
At this point, I would like to call out to my friends, if anyone's interested in volunteering in a home? More importantly, anyone who have the neccessary contacts? I would like to do something for these people, especially since the last time I helped out anywhere is more than a year ago.
Fianlly, let us send out our deepest condolences to the family of the tsunami victims. God bless.
Gavin
pondered @ 20:45
Today marked a return to a sight that had ceased for almost a year. Today, another 3 hours was spent at Burger King just engaging in intellectual conversation. Today, it felt just like the old times.
It's really amazing how good conversation can be so invigorating and refreshing. It's almost a crime to have stiffled my brain for so long.
For some time now, our conversations have always had to feature predomionantly superficial topics, most which chronicle the ongoings for NS. I think it's past that stage already. We've all been in NS for almost a year, and nothing's new anymore. I guess I understand what seng means when he remarked that our conersations lacked depth.
Maybe things will improve.
Gavin
pondered @ 20:02
Thursday, January 06, 2005
The paranoid tendencies to bemoan a world that aquired a vile predilection to prying into the very constituents of life never ceases to fester inside my heart.
I have long had a distaste for the prying stares of society. It is as though every one is constantly judging, and all around, there are eyes ever present to study you, scrutinizing your every move. What is this? Why must I be subjected to this? It's not fair.
Why do I feel this overwhelming pressure that I am but living a life to satisfy an unseen audience. What is this compulsion that forces me to to hide my actions, my heart and my soul from the rest of the world. Where does such an intense pressure find it's source? When did it began to slowly take a grip on my carefree life? Who will teach me how to face it all? How can I escape this.
Must I continue writhing in this till the end of the road... I won't accept that fate. I must learn to survive, I must... Learn to ignore the unrelenting gaze and prceed in spite. That's right. That's what must be done.
Gavin
pondered @ 20:18
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Motorola V3 RARZ
The Motorola V3 RARZ... That's the phone I want.
Gavin
pondered @ 23:18
I have returned
Back in OSC, and a million words will not suffice to describe the relief I feel. It is as though only a day had gone since I had departed on that quest, but nonetheless, I'm thankful that I find that the path has led back to the little garden where I used to frolick.
I'm glad that some things hardly change.
As I don the number 3, the shards of regret placed by and unfufiled promise gives way to a gratitude and knowledge that there are far worse fates awaiting unwary travellers.
I have alot to catch up on and lost timne to make up on, but there's no hurry.
Gavin
pondered @ 19:32
Saturday, January 01, 2005
When we meet again in 20 years, what would you say?
After a year, I already find a lack in ability to communicate with some. Then again, I ask, how would one say to another after twenty years? A "hi" and the mandatory pleasantries, but peel away the surface and would you find emptiness?
It has been stated that time judges all, and none shall have amnesty. Friendship that stand in spite of the passage of time, that is your true friend. I don't care how much time we spend together, but what I really want to know is that 20 years down the road, we can still gather and greet one another with as much enthusiasm as whence all of us first said hi.
Measured words and weighed sentences, it's not what I would condone and neither would I offer it to another. But that's waht I see around me.
Gavin
pondered @ 23:22
