Tuesday, December 24, 2002
Yeah people, I'm gonna shift this diary to: http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=B141121
yup, so hope to see you guys there, and btw, you could leave notes on that site, main reason why i wanna change.
Gavin
pondered @ 16:15
I wonder whether there's such a thing as sick "fate". This year has seemed to be a rather illness ridden year for my family... Had one of my grandma's diagnosed with liver failure or something, had an aunt or 2 go through some operation, and today, I received news that my paternal grandpa's gotten a stroke. Yeah, it looks pretty depressing, but I'm wondering... Why don't I feel a single thing? I guess I've been hardened into such a state... It's kind of sad really, to grow into a heartless person.
I don't know since when have I started to act this way, perhaps this year would be the best estimate. Sometimes, I think I appear so cold that no one wants or dares to talk to me. Even one fo my best friends agreed on that point, saying that I'm trying to act cool... hmmm... Is that really true? Sometimes, I dunno, I have no problems getting along with guys, heck, I came from an all boys school, however when it comes to the girls, somehow, they feel that I'm unapproachable and cold... Ah well... Honestly speaking, there's only a handful of them who I'm more amicable to, but otherwise, I guess his observation was true.
Once again, I had to call several people in class cause our "leader" organized a outing, but left the details to "heaven"... Geezzz... I guess if I call people up, then perhaps they'll not think of me as such a cold person. Last night one of my classmates had a lot to say regarding the outing, and I was like thinking while she spoke "God... don't you ever stop..." So far, there's only been two girls whom I can really talk on the phone with comfortably(try guessing). Perhaps I've got a problem somewhere. Counting the number of female firneds I have, well... I think the only number less than 5. Kind obligated to thank 2 of them now, Cheryl and Meixian. If weren't for Cheryl, I'd probably condemned all girls due to a bad experience in the April to June period(P.S, if you're reading this, I'm still waiting for the day we get receipts for paying the EL fund ;P). Thanks for your advice. Meixian, well, I guess that's the first time I ever really liked a girl, thanks for letting me know how it's like to love.
Thinking of it now, it reminds me of another of my pals, he's situation is almost kind of opposite to mine. He has a weakness for girls, yup, he even said so himself. Kind of interesting to see that he'd be on the opposite end of the spectrum. Heck he finds it no problem to be with girls, and sometimes, I can't help but notice he's always surrounded by them.
Perhaps my New Year's Resolution would be to be more friendly to the opposite sex... hmmm... perhaps.
Gavin
pondered @ 15:42
Sunday, December 22, 2002
Ever wondered if people actually lock part of their minds up? I guess everyone does that at some point in life, and I'm no exception. Weird thing is, it happenss unconciously. You know, you could act and feel as though you don't care anymore, but deep down inside, you care and you are not ok. The worse part... It manifests itself in your dreams. Sort of a torment, everytime you close your eyes and you're thinking of it again... and you have absolutely no control over it! Somehow I think this is the result of me trying to act as though nothing has happened...
Ah... rantings aside, I think Singapore is screwed. Yeah, yeah, the ISA, and whatever agency should be clamping down on me soon. Yeah, that's my honest opinion. Well, actually I'm just here to comment on soccer today. We got thrashed by our arch-rivals MAlaysia 4-0!!! Four to nothing... Geezz... and after all the hype about this squad being so strong and etc... crap. Ok, so the defending champion thailand got throunced too, but I mean, admit it... our players lack hunger... Ah well, at least if we win the last match today, we might enter the finals of the Tiger cup...
Gavin
pondered @ 11:33
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
Whee, a break of 5 days from blogging. Need to recharge those creative batteries in that head of mine. Well, the bbq turned out to be quite a fun experience, thought there were a few conflicts between my classmates. It was raining incessantly that mrning, and I almost thought of cancelling it, moreover, many of them decided to give it a miss, smsing me that they can't make it. Ah well, rocky start...
Fortunately, heaven showed us some grace, and it stopped raining in the afternoon. Thank you! Wow, it took quite a long time to start the fire, but after it was cooking and smokin all the way~ Hehehe, I was the chef for the day! And i think i did a good job too! :)
Just one bummer... one of the classmates seemed more intent on flirting thatn the bbq... hmmm
Monday... ah... nothing much, except she called me... hmmm... well, we talked, quite a length too, for more thatn an hour, but than, it was still pretty tense, with me constantly feeling very odd, "Should I cut the conversation short? Should I make topic for conversation?" I really am still quite unsure how I'm sposed to go about this, but, I'm learning.
Tuesday... wasted... really spent the whole day rotting
Today... Hmmm~ first rehearsal session for the dramanight next year, pretty gruelling stuff, almost shouted my throat hoarse making that great speech of Major's(btw, our play's Animal Farm) Hahah, I also had a fun time doubling as the cameraman, took quite a few shots with my Sony cybershot, and recorded an mpeg of the rehearsal. Heheh, I guess I beginning to love phtography more these days. Used to like i before, and I think I'm being more and more intrigued by it. The only thing that surpasses it in interest level is my love for drawing. I think I'm born for the arts~ ah well... but my parents don't think so...
Gavin
pondered @ 18:43
Friday, December 13, 2002
Ho ho ho! A new person to come visit this page once in the while~ Yeah, I guess I'm getting more people to come here. Whoo Hoo! Well, Treasurer, if you still reading this, me still insist on receipts being issued everytime you collect money for the club!!
Must strive to provide better content for the masses! Gambate~
Gavin
pondered @ 21:02
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Ok... I hope to not become a computer staring machine, but I guess that just happened today... man I can't believed I watched that whole load of movies today... arghh my brain's crampin up! Ah well... Hope this doesn't persist... I need a life, I need to go out.
Oh well, fortunately there's my class bbq to look forward to this Sunday. I hope it does not rain... or else it would be such a damper. Please, please, please don't let it rain... Wait.. there's still 3 days to go...
Gavin
pondered @ 17:17
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Hmm, the psat few days have been spent away from the com. Why? Well, she made it clear to me that we're just friends. I feel much better now, my minds much clearer, and well, I don't think about her like before.
I had to go back to school for CCA, and well, first time seeing her since saturday. Well, I passed her the necklace, which I had planned to give her on christmas, but I might not be around that week, cause my parent's wanna go to Malaysia, actually, I have the choice of staying alone in Singapore. I think it's just an excuse, cause I dunno if it's appropriate to ask her out anymore. Well, we didn't talk much today, hope it improves the next time we meet, saturday.
Well, after my CCA was done(was around 2), me and my 2 other buddies went to pizza hut to eat. I can't believe 3 guys finished a set meal meant for 6 people! WOW! Some crazy stuff there. Hehehehe.
Gavin
pondered @ 19:58
Saturday, December 07, 2002
The day of "showdown", Saturday. As I had planned, I met my classmates at Somerset MRT station. Something in me was hoping that I could meet her there. Guess fate decreed otherwise. Well, heck it, I'll just make do with my classmates.
The walk to the Starhub center wasn't joyful at all. All the way, I kept high alert in order to spot that familiar figure among the crowd... nope, don't think I'm such a lucky person. The elavator ride, the walk to the list of names didn't seem to happen. Then I saw thta her name was there on the list. In the same room as I was going to be in. Well, a glimmer of hope perhaps.
Wait wait and wait, nope she wasn't there yet. When will she arrive. I chose a seat in the midst of several unoccupied seats. However, as time passed, the seats were gradually taken... there goes to hope of her sitting next to me.
Just before 9, she entered the room, not like her to be this late. She seemed to be scanning the room, looking for someone. Me? Then she started wavingat me, yup, and I just stuck my tongue out at her... what the hell... Is that the best I could do...
Now I looked around and wondered if there was space for her to sit close to me, there wasn't, actually, there was, but that would require me to move. She decided to sit in front, behind one of her friends. Ok... that really ticked me off. Stay calm.
As she settled down, she began to talk to her friend... not good, I began to grow irritated. After a while, she turned back, and was signalling to me, couldn;t figure out what she was trying to say, I motioned that I didn't understand. She just turned back to face the front. Ok, now I'm pissed. The test began, and perhaps it was due to my anger, I was completing the SAT in a very short time. I seemed to have more thatn half the time left every section, of course which I spent looking at her, wondering. And ever so often, she would turn back, I don't know whether she was looking at the clock behind me or just stealing a glance at me... I don't know.
Finally the test ended, the papers were collected and she talked with ehr friend again. Ok, now I'm furious. After a while , I noticed that she was turning behind, as though trying to look at me, I can't believe I was so angry I just avoided her gaze... The whole exchange seemed to last an eternity, She "staring" back, and me pretending to be occupied. At last we were released, and she just walked off.
Of course, I attempted to give chase, reaching the lift, I saw her with 2 of her classmates, and somehow I panicked and entered the lift. As the doors closed, I thought I heard her classmates telling her I was in the lift. I was sposed to meet my classmates downstairs and expecting her to be down any moment soon, I turned my back to the lift lobby. I was right, she came out off the lift then, however, she just walked off! Great... did I really piss her off now...? I don't know really... the rest of the day was jsut spent playing pool... and other things I can't be bothered to remember.
Help.
Gavin
pondered @ 21:07
Friday, December 06, 2002
Another day begins. Well, actually it's near it's end. It's a public holiday, and I was supposed to meet someone to trade cards. Well, I thought, that's something to keep my mind occupied.
I guess I was wrong... as usual. Instead I started hoping that she would call me, it's a public holiday afterall, and I don't think she'd be working. Well, seeing that there's been no news till now, I presume either she's working or out there with her friend/friends. I often wonder whether her so called friends are really just friends or... more?
As if things couldn't get worse, I went to the MRT station to meet my fellow card player, only to realize he coudn't make it... There goes a deal worth $14... Well, it's not as though I'm desperate to raise cash anymore... not now anyway. After raising close to $200 just for that special Christmas plan, somehow... I feel it ain't worth it. I remember a time when she was all I cared for, where this christmas plan was all I was going to strive for. Ha... That time was just 10 days ago. Now, I'm not so certain. I'm even tempted to splurge that cash on myself.
Irony... At one point I felt that we had something going... was it just an illusion? Worse is I didn't have the courage to establish that. I wanted to be with her, yet I was afraid... I would always say: "I'm gonna give her some time to think, don't pressure her." Well, all seems like an excuse now. Again... I dozed of in the afternoon... and it doesn't help that I keep dreaming of her... Geezz... what's wrong with me... Someone... Heaven... help me.
Now that song's looping inside my mind...
"you won't admit you love me
and so how am i ever to know
you always tell me
perhaps perhaps perhaps
a million times i've asked you
and then
i ask you over
again
you only answer
perhaps perhaps perhaps
if you can't make your mind up
we'll never get started
and i don't wanna wind up
being parted
broken-hearted
so if you really love me
say yes
but if you don't dear
confess
and please don't tell me
perhaps perhaps perhaps"
Kinda perfect to describe the situation. Geezzz.... stop playing in my head!!
It's less than 12 hours till I see her tomorrow. I'm scared... very scared. Now I'm telling myself: " What makes you so sure you're gonna see her."
Gavin
pondered @ 20:02
Thursday, December 05, 2002
At first I was worried, became sad, then finally, a little angry to mix in this little cocktail. Wow, what a mix that must be, who'd take it?
Not everything is given by choice sadly... Something we all should understand. It's not as though I like to have such a concoction, but circumstances force me too...
A week... pretty short some'll say. An eternity I say. Especially when you hear nought of the one you love... You lie back, thinking, wondering, wasting. Every minute drags on... powerful stuff. Worry. Worried that something might have happened. Sad. Hurt that she didn't contact me. I tried calling, not home... sms? No reply. Angry. Furious that she could care less about me... Did she even care?
The days dragged on, and that's putting it mildly. She finally called me today, just as I was about to fall asleep in the afternoon. I hardly sleep in the afternnon. I guess the mental torment was sapping my strength.
We talked, but the conversation was brief, well, brief compared to before. I'm no longer worried, nope, but then, I'm still hurt, and still a little angry. My mind saying:" Someone had to email you in order for you to know something was amiss!?" I don't know what to think...
On the bright side, I'd be seeing her on Saturday. 2 more days. Let's see how it turns out.
Gavin
pondered @ 18:55
