Precocious. Little. Clover. Devil

Sunday, October 31, 2004
Time to spread a little cheer and joy~

I guess maybe the recent posts have sounded rather depressing... But it's unavoidable when you've been put through the load of nonsense I had to endure. Coupled together with a sudden and unexpected realisation that I was developing a split personality.

But all's fine. Just that an epiphany don't really make people sound cheerful. But I'll try =)

In fact, I'm pretty much enjoying the rediscovery of all the things I used to love.

Been reading quite a bit these days, and for once, since I don't remember when, the images that always float in my mind are back. The creative touch, lost for a moment, has been rediscovered albeit still unable to match the fervour it once possessed. No matter, it is my responsibility to make it soar to greater heights.

Though it is undeniable that some things will never be as they were, but that is by far a valid reason to justify losing the old qualities, the old self. Why did I find a need to reinvent myself?

Complacency. That's why. I got cocky, and over-confident. That's one lesson I must not forget.

No matter, it's never to late to change.

And there's so much to do! Gotta go get my driver's license, gotta go take more beautiful photos, gonna go reada many many more books, have to continue drawing all my stories. Gosh I feel so alive! Not to mention I have a new baby cousin to play with! And of course, there's so much more basketball to play, so many more friends to meet up with! What a rush! What a rush!

Maybe I'll even get a chance to fall in love? Although I suspect it's going to take more than a miracle while I'm still in NS, but when it's time to go to University... I just can't wait. When I can live outside a system... That's what I do best. Lemme keep my hair again, let me wander whereever I wish. Oooo... It's so enticing. The day when I can say "ORD!" and have my pink IC returned... No matter how much I hate that photo on the IC... It's still better to have it back in my possesion.

Yeah... It's all good!

P.S: YINGMEI! You're supposed to be studying! But I'm also glad that you make time to read my blog. I'm honored, and also sorry that the entries are depressing... I'd like to say a heartfelt thank you, to you and all my friends out there!

Gavin pondered @ 21:17

Grumble, grumble...

Well... Halloween night last niight was ok. I guess the amount of people present(no very many) had a dampenin effect on the moods of everyone present. Apparently the promotional results were just released on friday, so many of them were not in the mood for partying.

The passage of time had also taken it's toll. In 2002, Halloween night was filled with familiar faces, and a familiar place. 2004 came and our peers dwindled due to the A levels, but it was still the old school compoun. This year... the friendly faces were minimal and in the new compound.

Time has left it's mark. Leaving a realization that my time in Nanyang has come to pass. I miss the good old days. Days of thunder where we were free to chase the dreams of a better tomorrow. Dreams that are being opressed by a "new" school... A new institution, though it is not by choice that we find ourselves in our current place.

The remaining 2 years of service would be a trying time. A test. Many would succumb to the unyielding froces that seek only to mould people into what they want. Many don't even realize the changes that are occuring around and in them. Some more fortunate individuals would emerge unscathed, though rather unsettled.

Sometimes it even seems neccessary to conduct a induction course back to civilisation at the end of NS. Many stories have been told of men going into the unknown jungle of society to find themselves missing 2 years in between.

Whatever it is... I find myself sickened... I something that won't be changed... Notin the foreseable future in any case.

Gavin pondered @ 11:44

Thursday, October 28, 2004
More than a day in a day

This day was filled with more events than I've ever experienced in one single day. At least not in a pretty long while.

It's a long way from, SAFTI, and closer to the north of Singapore. It was the School of Military Medicine. That place is boring.But what's not when you're wearing the stripes.

The rest of the time was spent smsing people to ask them to go for the Halloween party at NYJC this saturday. Started to feel a sense of detachment from myself, coupled with a sense of nostalgia. Maybe it's for the better. Let me detached from the soldier self that I created during my stint at BMT. Maybe it's developed into a split personality that has been taking control over my life.

Why did I find it neccesary to detach myself from an army life? It's a mystery to even my comprehension. Now that I'm coming into contact with so much of my past... Maybe the army side is slowly losing it's grip on me. Yeah. The appearance of waihoh did stir so many memories of the school days.Such a coincidence that I'm working with him at SMM.

Then the bus ride home brought me back along the path to Bishan... The path to Nanyang.

It was at the bus stop outside Nanyang that my heart almost skipped a beat. I saw a familiar face. It was miss "I love plums", Joanne! Man... What a day eh?

Memories, memories, emotions and friends... Might be time I get in touch with a few more of my old friends.

Gavin pondered @ 19:10

Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Oh my... Oh my!

Looks like we have a contributor to this blog... I never knew you had rights to write in here... haha... Welcome aboard, and hope to see many many constructive posts~!

Gavin pondered @ 22:18

Tuesday, October 26, 2004
A slice of naughty wind, messing up the leaves

Gavin!!~ i'm here to mess up your diary... AGAIN!! the horror the horror!

bet this gonna be deleted.. why am i not surprised? hmm..

anyway.. how have you been? gotta be better then i am.... tell me about your trip!

let me repost this and see if it helps...

Angeluv^ pondered @ 23:04

Final Fantasy XI

Given a choice between FF XI and Cty of Heroes... I settle for Final Fantasy, mainly because it's cheaper.

It's time to check out the wonders of MMORPG. And now I wanna get a more powerful graphics card so I can maximize all the graphics options... Heh... Looking at ATI 9600 or GeForce FX5500... Basically a budget of around $200. It's gonna breathe new life into my com, apart from the 2nd drive I added in.

Maybe I can extend it's life by 3 more years?

Gavin pondered @ 20:54

Out of hell

I feels good to breathe the air of the mainland once again, after being "held against my will" on the island of tekong. Though it is incorrect to suggest that I was forced back unto that place. I volunteered to go back... And the price I paid was much greater than I would ever imagine.

There's so many "souvenirs" I've brought back from that blasted place. The Tekong cough, blisters on my feet, anguish, pain, and the suspicion that I have Thalassemia...

I swear that I'm never going back there. My friends were quite right in stating that I was out of my mind.

It's just not worth it, giving up a good life and only to get exploited in return. That's how armies work. The most astounding fact is that I actually compromised on my ideals of being a pacifist. Darn good, the government is at propagenda. I would never have xpected myself to feel the least bit compelled to kill another human being, yet I allowed myself to be taught the skills neccessary to render a man "out of service."

Defending the nation through the use of arms is an inevitability. Darn... I must be a fool for actually believing in that. War should never be considered unavoidable. It must always be considered only as a remote possibility, a last resort. Why must we believe in the "power" of bloodshed?

I'm not a soldier. I don't want to be a soldier.
I hate fighting, and I detest violence.

Maybe this is the unknown feeling impairing me since I don't know when. It seems that after enlistment into NS that I've begun to have all those feelings of insecurity, the loss of my own being. I concur that it is time that I should stop trying to be what I don't want to be. There's no point in exceling in something that you do not staunchly believe in. Even worse if you have to make yourself believe that you really are inclined towards the ideal that they are trying to inculcate in you. It's like suddenly waking up one day to find that you no longer have a grasp of who you are anymore.

Perhaps this is what has been bothering me for the past few months. This voice inside me wants to break out, the opriginal "me" hidden below layers of false dreams, and false memories that do not belong to me. I should just be myself. No lies, no false glory. Just the real me.

The government is good. They almost had me back there. But they must also realize that I'm no pushover either.

Gavin pondered @ 09:56

Sunday, October 17, 2004
Peanut butter without sugar = Very salty.

Found out when I ate a slice of bread with kaya spread before the one with the peanut butter.

If I'm not mistaken, this is due to the brain not interpretting to "sweet" signals sent by the tongue on the second slice. This strange phenomena is also observed when one dips one's hands into cold water than into lukewarm water. The lukewarm water will feel hot to touch. I'm quite sure this is not something unique to myself.

When it comes down to the bascis, it's all about the brain trying to work out the meassages sent from the various recepticles around the body.

Let's say one has been living in luxury for years, and is suddenly declared bankrupt. Or the alpha male being reduced to the omega male in the span of a day. Often, one is rendered helpless and overwhelmed.

Okay... I think I have lost many of you guys there. What I'm trying to say is that when you fall from a high place to a low place, it sucks.

That's how I feel know, having fallen twice in the span of 2 weeks. One fall, is metaphorical, the other, both literal and metaphorical.

Even though I might be having peanut butter for lunch, the lingering taste of the kaya is making the peanut pbutter just pretty salty and bland. Well, the taste buds will recover over time and the taste of peanut butter would regain it's full "glory", but by then, I''d be sick of eating peanut butter.

No motivation to stay on that infernal place... and the inherent hatred against what it has done to me. I wish I could just erase it form existence.

I just pray liberation will not be far off.

Gavin pondered @ 14:07

Friday, October 15, 2004
My keyblade has finally arrived!!

After months of waiting, the keyblade keychain I've ordered has finally arrived! Yeah! I love my keyblade keychain~

Though it cost me $89... Nvm! It's worth it.

Now... I'm just wondering if any kind soul out there would buy me the Grievier Necklace...? It's sold out... And it costs $200 US...

Ah well... I just want the FF VII: Advent Children DVD... When is it coming out??

I'm starting to sounding like someone else I know... Gah!

Gavin pondered @ 22:28

A rather long winded post

First, I'm back home cause I've got 2 days MC due to a viral infection. It really hurt like hell on that miserable island, but miraculously, after returning to the mainland, The pain subsided dramatically. Maybe it's the paracetamol I took before leaving, but whatever it is, I feel much better now with out the constant pounding in my head, though my joints still ache. It's the first time I ever felt my joints ache in this way, land for one, know that the symptoms (aching joints) is associate with dengue fever.

I just killed 2 aedes mosquitoes the other day, but I hope it's not dengue fever. I don't like falling ill, and I don't fall ill often. I hate feeling all weak and wobbly.

For some weird reason, I seem to be exceptionally prone to disease on that infernal hellhole. Tekong is a breeding pool of viruses, and with their lack of hygiene, lack of proper sanitation and the inefficient medical center? I'd be surprised if you tell me no one falls sick there.

The virus always seems to spread very quickly among platoon mates, and I believe it has something to do with the water supply. More specifically, the water coolers. I have a feeling that they aren't filtering out the virus form the water. Especially when 200 odd guys share the same water cooler, and if just one of them happens to be sick, then it will trigger a chain reaction. At the present moment, 13 people are down with viral infection already.

Ah well...

Anyways, I finally brought the notebook with the the stuffs back.

Stuck in hell
a day of perversion turns to delusion
seeking the slightest reprieve
how many souls have gave their warning
he thought he should have heed
but back in hell is where he ground,
his mind his soul was trapped in time.

Ghosts and ghouls obscure his sight,
the ghastly screams engulf his ears.
The devil's call breaks the tranquil state.

is this where he longs to be?
Is this what he yearns to be?
Is that why he chose to flee?
Are there who he'll meet with glee?
Was that how he'll fly of free?

A mournful song the cool breeze sings
The red baked earth has seen it too
Rising up, great tall peaks
grey slate walls of condemnation

to make men they always say
Not break them I'll rather pray.
The scent of sweat and pain
Pervades the stagnant gloom.
A sordid horrid land
of silent morbid men.
He's seen it once, he's seen them fall
Resigned to their fate.

There he sits
Resigned to destiny
And once again a lifeline offered.

This time, he takes it gratefully.

A little "tribute" to that little island, Pulau Tekong. I'm never going back anymore. No way.

Tekong cough
Head's grinding with a constant aching
Pounding, throbbing, like someone's drilling.
Throat is itching, and i am coughing.
Hell no, it's no what I think.
The limbs are moaning
And the mind is groaning
Let me know when the doctor's coming.
Bring me home, send me home, tell you, I just wanna go home.

A pretty nifty poem I wrote at the MO today. The rest of the notebook entries don't really make sense.

Gavin pondered @ 20:34

Saturday, October 02, 2004
There's internet on Tekong!

Nah... Just kidding. I've booked out, cause there's no point ocnfining me all over again(or rather, they're not allowed to do so).

So I'm back home, after a whole day of waiting yesterday. YES! I waited the whole day away before moving off to the company line at 1900. I'm in Orion company, which is just next to Pegasus... The memories. But now I'm in platoon 4! On the friggin 5th floor... Grr...

Well, whatever, They couldn't strip me off my ranks and I'm PTE on the nominal roll, which stands out from all the other RECs... Just today I got arrow God knows how many times...

The Sergeants kept asking us(me and the other recourse guys) to help them teach the recruits... Fine, if they promise us respect in exchange. Otherwise, we'll just lead those new recruits astray =P

But the fun part was when the few of us booked out this evening, and we sang songs on the way to the ferry terminal.

Recourse fellas:
"Left, your left, your left, right, Orion! Left Right, Lao Jiao! Left right, warriors!"

Btw, Lao Jiao means old bird.

Gavin pondered @ 19:28