Sunday, October 29, 2006
Thanks guys
One thing I miss most about NS? The people. I met up with Mr Tan and the boys yesterday, and my mind wandered back to the good times. They give me the strength to want to go out and conquer this world, on a flying balloon, blazing our way across the world. I awnt to bring them along too, the gang, Mr Tan, Gerald, Sherman and Colin. That would be quite wonderful.
Colin would like the world to keep an open mind, and he wants to learn about everything. To him there is a limitless trofve of knowledge and views that can be found. An Open Mind.
Sherman wants to help people break away from the grasp of the book. He would like to see the enlightenment of the people around him, in hopes that they could think for themselves, to fend for their loved ones. To Enlighten.
Gerald wants to find out more about his worth, and where he stands. He pushes himself forward towards an unseen target. Demanding only the best from himself, and not stopping regardless. Seeking Proof.
Mr Tan. He teaches and nutures, and patiently lights the path. Searching for something new. Everyone is worth something and he will make that bloom. He encourages.
Me? Of course, I sell ideas, I sell hope and I sell dreams. I don't tout expertise, I don't tout analytical skills, I don't claim to a sharp mind, but what I do know is that there's always hope out there.
But I fear. I fear that really helping removes my need for existence. I fear that I make people unhappy and I fear that there are views that are wrong. And most of all, I fear letting people in.
Nevertheless, perhaps someday we really could fly away.
---Mood: Appreciative
Listening to: Michael Buble - Home
Gavin
pondered @ 18:07
Thursday, October 26, 2006
The path to being a better person
When looking out for all the details and indicators, I had neglected the most important thing - the results. Carrying about how the dials move and the needles point, and worrying about what other people might think or feel. That's not right, especially when I'm supposed to get a job done.
How am I supposed to set an example that way? What kind of a "leader" is that? Fortunately, this is just a small lesson and a minor set back.
Now that I have been somberly awakened, and somewhat more alert, I hope I shan't repeat the errors of the past.
Yes, the book does list the things that should be taken note of, but at the expense of not understanding the whole picture. Gosh, how very silly.
From now on, I'm supposed to be a man, not a sneaky, conniving creep.
It's really amazing, that I negelected my duties on but 1 occassion, and that occassion is the one which is remembered. That is it, there's no room to slip up, in fact it is inexcusable. It is not important if everyone likes me or what I say, but it is paramount that I get a point across.
You heard me? I'm sorry for paying to much attention to the nitty-gritties and neglecting you. I shan't demand remuneration from you ever again, if I did a good job, then I shall be happy to hear just your praise.
To impress by being myself, not to impress by acting. I want you to recognize me for my abilities, my talents and myself. I'll show you, and that I promise. Otherwise, I'll be letting all of you down.
---Mood: Brink of a revelation
Location: Hall 16
Listening to: Lisa Ono - Sueno Cristalino (Crystal Dream)
Gavin
pondered @ 23:49
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Sorry fort he rant
To do the right things is a matter of great consequence. I take pride in setting out to do just that. Little do most people know that it is also the source of frustration. Mr Nice, Mr Hero and Mr No-will.
It is difficult trying to take everything and everyone into consideration. In NS, it was easier to handle, in University, the problem is compounded. There are too many too consider, too many that resuklt in hesitation, indecision and weakness.
How the hell am I going to survive, much less achieve anything with such a wishy-washy state of mind? I am no devil, just some hero-wannabe pretending to be non-chalant about the world ending. Devil may care? Oh he cares. Too mcuh. He cares to the extent that it is not care, it is irrationality.
I want to do things the right way, however, the right way is not necessarily compliant with doing things right. If I cannot resolve with determination what I want, if I cannot set sights on something, then how can I chart a path towards it?
Isn't it true that one needs to want something and then go get it? I feel so ashamed that I once uttered "Gavin sees, Gavin wants, Gavin gets." At rpesent it stands as crap. I want, I don't want, do I want, do I not want. Can I want it, should I want it, is it right to want it?
Half a day is wasted merely answering these useless questions. I am afraid to make a decision, and I fear to make a decision. How now?
How can anyone related to someone who cannot convict?
"I want to do things in my time." That's just an excuse to say "I'm not sure."
Scare. Fear. Of what? Of failure, of rejection, of perception? Hoping the world would help you solve everything whilst I wallow in insecurity? Bloody hell, there's no shame in losing, though it seems I've acquired a irrational phobia for failure. Not everything has to be perfect. Set the sights, know it,, and try to get it.
I miss my cockiness, I miss my pride, I miss the days of feeling invincible. I want that back.
I'm not that stoic and independent, and I cannot survive by always being the care-giver. I need hands to help me, I need friends to wait for me, and I need care too. Or I can return to the aloof devil. Both would be much more viable than this pathetic state.
So, can you forgive me if I stop putting on the mask of an ironman? Somedays behind that smile, it's a frown.
---Mood: In need
Location: Home
Listening to: Sunset Swish - My pace
Gavin
pondered @ 23:54
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Englishman in New York
"Englishman In New York"
I don't drink coffee I take tea my dear
I like my toast done on one side
And you can hear it in my accent when I talk
I'm an Englishman in New York
See me walking down Fifth Avenue
A walking cane here at my side
I take it everywhere I walk
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
If, "Manners maketh man" as someone said
Then he's the hero of the day
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
Be yourself no matter what they say
I'm an alien I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
Modesty, propriety can lead to notoriety
You could end up as the only one
Gentleness, sobriety are rare in this society
At night a candle's brighter than the sun
Takes more than combat gear to make a man
Takes more than a license for a gun
Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can
A gentleman will walk but never run
If, "Manners maketh man" as someone said
Then he's the hero of the day
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
Be yourself no matter what they say
I'm an alien I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I drink tea, and I like my bread toasted on one side. I hardly carry a stick around with me, but I feel as tough I'm an alien in this world. I talk funny, but I'm still a Singapore citizen deep down.
So why do I feel so afraid of accenting the differences? Conforming slowly and gradually, and losing my uniqueness. Nary a day passes without reflections on what this world is doing to my sanity. I'm losing myself in my surroundings.
One other thing... Is that all so wrong to begin with?
---Mood: Contemplative
Location: Hall 16
Listening to: Sting - Englishman in New York
Gavin
pondered @ 00:50
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Elise
In the past 2 months, Gavin has been busy. From a soldier boy to a school-boy, life has been everchanging.
That's his lovely little desk in my cosy room tucked away in Hall 16, Block E, level 4, room 7.
And that's his wonderful roomie, Kiat. They're in the same course, and they're both slackers! The perfect combination for friendship =p
As an Engineering student, he has to conduct experiments with apparatus that only look too alien, and baffles the mind.
(from left: misc lad apparatus)
In class, he's got to pay attention too, listening intently to the teacher.
(From left, Daryl and Gavin)
Well, he tries, but most of the time, he ends up sleeping in lectures. That's what late nights studying does to you.
(From right, Jon, Jia Hann, Fergus)
He's also trying hard to participate actively in other activities. For one, he's in the archery team.
(from left, bows 1, 2, 3, 4......)
Archery's pretty fun, but tough, he's trying to learn from the grils who really know how to enjoy themselves, despite the hot blazing sun
(from left, Shang May, Lita, Jorcelyn)
They even sprang a birthday suprise for one of their teammates recently
(NTU freshie archery team)
Life in NTU, and in hall is really interesting, on saturday mornings, Gavin tries his hand cooking for breakfast.
(Sausage and scrambled eggs with cherry tomatoes)
And sometimes, he gets to entertain guests from outside school.
(from left, Amanda, Jon and Gavin)
In short, he's pretty much having fun at the moment. It's a good life. =)
----------And the latest in my attempts at cooking, Egg Omelette with bacon and sausages this morning. Cooking breakfast is really enjoyable, but it almost made us late for traning (for the 3rd week in a row =p)
And of course, the two satisfied customers, in approval of the humble meal. As I say, anything better than cereal for breakfast everyday.
(From left, Jorcelyn and Meijin)
And finally, all, I would like you to meet Elise
Beautiful isn't she?
Gavin
pondered @ 00:25
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Return the blue skies.
Grey and the scent of smoke is hardly pleasant on the eyes.
An eyesore that is best rid off.
---Mood: Whatever
Location: Home
Listening to: Jack Johnson - Gone
Gavin
pondered @ 23:43
