Saturday, October 21, 2006
Sorry fort he rant
To do the right things is a matter of great consequence. I take pride in setting out to do just that. Little do most people know that it is also the source of frustration. Mr Nice, Mr Hero and Mr No-will.
It is difficult trying to take everything and everyone into consideration. In NS, it was easier to handle, in University, the problem is compounded. There are too many too consider, too many that resuklt in hesitation, indecision and weakness.
How the hell am I going to survive, much less achieve anything with such a wishy-washy state of mind? I am no devil, just some hero-wannabe pretending to be non-chalant about the world ending. Devil may care? Oh he cares. Too mcuh. He cares to the extent that it is not care, it is irrationality.
I want to do things the right way, however, the right way is not necessarily compliant with doing things right. If I cannot resolve with determination what I want, if I cannot set sights on something, then how can I chart a path towards it?
Isn't it true that one needs to want something and then go get it? I feel so ashamed that I once uttered "Gavin sees, Gavin wants, Gavin gets." At rpesent it stands as crap. I want, I don't want, do I want, do I not want. Can I want it, should I want it, is it right to want it?
Half a day is wasted merely answering these useless questions. I am afraid to make a decision, and I fear to make a decision. How now?
How can anyone related to someone who cannot convict?
"I want to do things in my time." That's just an excuse to say "I'm not sure."
Scare. Fear. Of what? Of failure, of rejection, of perception? Hoping the world would help you solve everything whilst I wallow in insecurity? Bloody hell, there's no shame in losing, though it seems I've acquired a irrational phobia for failure. Not everything has to be perfect. Set the sights, know it,, and try to get it.
I miss my cockiness, I miss my pride, I miss the days of feeling invincible. I want that back.
I'm not that stoic and independent, and I cannot survive by always being the care-giver. I need hands to help me, I need friends to wait for me, and I need care too. Or I can return to the aloof devil. Both would be much more viable than this pathetic state.
So, can you forgive me if I stop putting on the mask of an ironman? Somedays behind that smile, it's a frown.
---Mood: In need
Location: Home
Listening to: Sunset Swish - My pace
Gavin
pondered @ 23:54
