Precocious. Little. Clover. Devil

Sunday, October 30, 2005

3 things I lerant on Mount Ophir

1. It's possible to complete it in a day
2. Water's never enough
3. There're leeches on that mountain

I am probably going to wake up bruising all over tomorrow.

Gavin pondered @ 00:29

Thursday, October 27, 2005

My brain's a train wreck, with trains still trying to ply their routes over derelict tracks that lead to each other. A collision is certainly imminent.

Hopefully, it's nothing 3 days on a mountain won't solve.

Climb the mountain find inner peace. There is a wish for the mountain to teach me patience, calmness and something more.

And I have to learn that I cannot control everything. Failing to change this will result in eternal damnation. Forever to remain rash, impulsive, over-sentimental and scared.

Gavin pondered @ 17:48

Monday, October 24, 2005

One week does wonders , and thanks to that one week, I've grown. Not necessarily stronger, but definitely, for the better. OR maybe too much is happening and too many important detials need to be captured that there is hardly anytime for loathing.

Sometimes, I can't believe how bold I am either, but that only serves to reinforce the stand that I'm crazy in the first place. Crazy enough to fight for causes way beyond me, causes that no "boy" should be undertaking.

It's just like being thrown into the water and seeing if I can swim. Dangerous, yes. Everything to lose, definitely, but ostensibly thrilling. It's like a forbidden fruit that's being waved in front of my face. Something that I dream of everyday. Just simply an opportunity.

People ask me why I even want to try, when I may not even stay around to taste the fruits. What they don't see is the ambition burning inside of me. I'm here for the thrill, and I don't ask for much in return.

More importantly, I stand to learn from a very wise man. He's revealed quite a whole new world, and I can see much clearer with his guidance. At the very least, he is one of the few men how still posses a thrist for greater things. Like a fellow warrior within the hordes of zombies.

It's a very liberating experience, to at least glimpse the prospects of working together. A few good men that will face the hordes of ghouls. I relish such a possibility, and who knows, we might even save more people in the process.

Right now I see many defeated bodies, tired, battered and devoid of that spark. Maybe we, I can also inspire the fire to burn in the eharts of the others too.

That kind of challenge. The gargantuan height to scale, and the deep chasm to shatter bones upon. What won't kill me will make me grow. And, what have I got to lose?

Gavin pondered @ 21:42

Friday, October 21, 2005
Time Magazine's 100 all-time Novels

the list is located : here

Unfortunately, I must be a ill-read brute for apparently, I have only heard of 5 of those books before, and had only read 3! The Lord of the Flies, To Kill a Mockingbird and Anmal Farm. This is quite atrocious! Those people definitely have a questionable taste in books.

I can almost swear that the list is quite lousy. Anyone else notices that almost ALL the books are by American authors?

------

After reading some of the reviews, I find that 2 of the books actually sound quite interesting.

Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger (The title has me sold)
1984, George Orwell (Read bits and pieces, never really completed it)

And that reminds me of a few titles I was supposed to read

Childhood's Emd, Arthur C Clarke
Interview with the Vampire, Anne Rice
Norwegian Wood, Haruki Murakami
The Nightmare Before Christmas, Tim Burton
Coraline, Neil Gaiman
Sourcery, Terry Pratchet (Damn, I seem to have developed a soft spot for Rincewind)
Alice in wonderland, Lewis Carroll

Discounting the other books that I have forgotten about and those that I will buy in the spur of the moment, that will cause a significant hole in my pockets...

Gavin pondered @ 20:57

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Your Captain speaking

At age 26, apply to be a cadet pilot.

If you get accepted, then it's off to ground school in the Singapore Flying college. Upon completion of ground school, it's off to Australia for flight training. If you're still in the course, you'll graduate after 2 years or so, and lol and behold, you'll be a second officer onboard the flight. Basically, that would mean that you're pilot apprenticeship has officially begun.

Gradually rising to the position of First Officer, and finally, you're the Captain. All in all, a good 10 years or more. In the meantime, you'll probably wreck your social life, destroy your biological clock and lose interest in everything else but the sky.

Worth every ounce, this little trade-off. I cannot imagine a greater joy than flying.

That's why "Captain Gavin" sounds so very appealing.

I remember as a child, using a waterbottle-cum-joystick to blast bogeys out of the sky in a fighter jet. Those days, the bus was my aircraft, and my friends, the wingmen.

Heh. It was fun, and now, I still want to fly, though the preferred instrument is the yoke of a commercial airliner. I can almost imagine, walking down the pilot aisle, peak cap craddled under the left arm, and luggage carried on the right. The suit would be clean, and the shoes polished. Wearing shades? Perhaps. But definitely smiling.

6 more years.

Gavin pondered @ 21:40

Monday, October 17, 2005

Unfortunately, Mclaren were unable to retake the Constructor's championship. Congratulations to Renault. I on the other hand, need to learn to be more patient.

Gavin pondered @ 18:41

Friday, October 14, 2005
"You think you can carry the world on your shoulders?"

So said Mr. Tan.

Perhaps I can't, but what if that is the only purpose that I can find any meaning in. To carrying such a weight allows the mind to forget about the trivial problems that trouble everyone else. It blocks out the pain and suffering, and it accuntuates the futility of individual whims.

Truth be said, I'm just a severly disturbed person. Afraid of being subjugated to the chains of emotion, thus eternally on the run to evade the steely grip of it's everpresent shadow.

In other words, I don't know how to live.

Does it matter? How the hell can people associate themselves with this far off person?To lead is to lead both my inspiration and by example. What good is it then to be something that no one find it worth becoming?

There no longer exist any motivation to push myself. It becomes so very dreary and weary. The question is how to inspire everyone else to improve?

But is that enough?

I simply don't understand how people work. Men are so dangerous, and strong, but oh so predicatable. Women are gentle and graceful, and in their unpredicatability lies an incredible strength that intimidates me. The difficulty here lies in straddling both sides. To bridge the gender, generation, subordinate-boss gap.

And at the same time to allow me to find my own happiness.

I am no Angel, but a devil with angel's wings. Upon those wings the weiight of the world shall crush and crush. Oh how my shoulders ache.

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Edit: 2309

After a short hour's nap, I wake up feeling less cranky. Nonetheless, the above still applies. But one can only wonder when I will throughly break down and collapse.

Next time I think I need a rest, I really do.

Gavin pondered @ 21:46

The 40 year old virgin is one heck of a funny movie. Love the "wax" scene. That alone was worth the 8 bucks.

That being said, my reaching home past 12 midnight means I will be sleeping tomorrow away at the office.

As if I care. ;p

Gavin pondered @ 00:48

Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Soundly sane

A strange sensation permeated the whole body, most notably in ears. The past 2 days have been far from rough, though it has inevitably triggered an obvious physical changes. Seldom do events such as this occured, and the prospects of facing such a scene is indeed utterly mortifying, but also pleseantly refreshing.

I woke up with a dull awareness in the depths of the night. In the misty grasps of the darkened world, the foot met with cold frigid stone, yet it was not correct. A thousand million cymbals asailed the apless head, and like a summer's spring, blood rushed to the temples.

The head felt weightless, so very oddly light. In the stillness of the moment, the soft chatter of the night seeps through the bloody mess that was my head. I hear the air-conditioning, I hear the hum of electricity. The mummer of the night crawlers gently drawing my attention. One by one, the little sounds grew louder. A soft buzzing that in a moment's length boomed out louder than the roar of thunder. It hurt like hell.

I opened my mouth to speak, and so distant the voice that came from the lips. Yet, there was surprising clarity. Was this my own head?

All at once, it appeared that a bubble had been formed, between the thresholds of reality and mind, segregating the outside from the in, and simultaneously, the world at large seemed to gently caress my soul with each pronounced note, each nuance clearly discernable, each syllable rich and full of variety.

Then the voices started to fill up the space. Yesterday, an immense sponge of brain would soak up each word as though life depended on them. Yet words only were heard, not feelings nor emotions or sound. Now, it was very drastically removed from routine, and exciting. Colours and tones, butterflies and flowers, death and sorrow, all together they sang a horribly delightful new tune.

Sound is one of our most neglected senses. It's a gorgeously brilliant ability that we all have, but one that many take for granted. I like lsitening to sound, but it's significant haev unobtrusively faded into oblivion. Quite ostensibly, the sense of sound have been neglected, and true varying degrees, abused.

The ears become simply a means to which to imitate the sounds that propagate in space. To be more blunt, the ears to me were merely an accessory to achieve a myopic goal. You see, for I had obssessed over owning a "perfect" voice. What ther ears represented was a voice that lingered so distantly from the ideal.

Resentment personified. I was utterly crushed to hear that weak voice. A thin lousy voice that hardly commanded any credibility. Moreso, there was a complete disgust at the obstinate urge to pursue such trivial affairs. In other words, the ears becaome a personification of imperfection, the very reminder of the multitudes of flaws inside.

How then can I continue enjoying it when it had come to hold such strong feelings, such strong disgust.

Freud once described this phenomena. In his example, he told of how society had lead men to associate feelings of guilt with sex.Similarly, the association of sadness and inability with my hearing was definitely not a healthy state of being.

I owe myself an apology. Now, the question is what otehr sensations have been associated with guilt and resentment?

There are many.

Gavin pondered @ 21:20

Monday, October 10, 2005

How strong is one supposed to be and at what costs to his soul. A stoic mask so hard to wear, and heavier still for shoulders to bear. Yet I fear, who would come to be lead by someone who has not outgrown his youth?

Yet there might still be hope yet.

It's like trading wits, it's like a sparring match, and one that will be allowed to be lost. It liberates, it resonates through the depths of my muddled brain. Control forsaken, trusted in the hands of another.

Intellectual enough? Perhaps, but retorts and debates are not the core of such bouts.

Alas, it never really lasts long. So many times I find that feel, only to have it slip right past and hide from sight.

What? Something is being done incorrectly. Or it seems that I shut the door before it is even opened.

I don't really care. As long as I can feel this way, there's nothing more that can be asked for, except for it to permeate the whole entirity of my life. Not just he or she, but all of them.

It's quite very confusing, so very frustrating, but damn it all, I love it so.

Gavin pondered @ 23:07

Sunday, October 09, 2005
From 17th to 1st

A wonderfully delightful Japanese GP! It was a race filled with much drama, incidents and over-taking manoeuvres.

From the back of the grid, the 2 drivers, Alonso and Raikkonen gave a display of their driving skills.

Alonso demonstrated his ability to overtake like a madman, proving his undeniable raw ability to drive, while Kimi proved that he was not going to let Alonso have all the glory. A superb race for both, with the FInn taing the top step on the podium, and leaving the Constructor's championship wide open. McLAren trailing Renault by a mere 2 points. It is sure going to be one heck of a GP in China next weekend.

Last lap

And a few moments later

Another one for the flying Finn

And a trophy ofr the 3rd placed new F1 champion.

Gavin pondered @ 18:59

Saturday, October 08, 2005
SMAP 017

Quietly, SMAP has released their seventeenth album. Well not exactly. It was pretty much a certainty after the release of the BANG! BANG! VACANCE single.

In 016,there were 2 CDS, and in 017, there are 3! The 3 bangs, the main CD, Sample Bang, the 2 fun CDs, High Bang and Kaizoku(pirate)Bang.

It's a rather fun album, and the songs are all light and cheery.

SAMPLE BANG comtains all f the new songs, and they are surprisingly all cheerful songs, which is a pleasant surprise. So far, there's no clear cut favourites yet.

KAIZOKU BANG contains remixes of past songs, including a SHAKE and Dynamite remix. They are mainly dance remixes and it's not going to feature prominently on my playlists.

HIGH BANG follows on the tradition of )!^ by having a solo CD. On HIGH SMAP, the 5 members do 1 song each.

And at HMV, I stumbled upon something else.

The MAlancholy Death of Oyster Boy! W00t!

Gavin pondered @ 21:48

Friday, October 07, 2005
Jung Myer Briggs test.

INFP
Introverted 44
Intuitive 38
Feeling 75
Perceiving 33

Introverted (I) 51.43% Extroverted (E) 48.57%
Intuitive (N) 61.76% Sensing (S) 38.24%
Feeling (F) 54.55% Thinking (T) 45.45%
Perceiving (P) 58.33% Judging (J) 41.67%

Looks like I'm still a Healer Idealist. Sometimes I can get a J instead of a P and sometimes a T instead of F. Whatever.

Gavin pondered @ 21:29

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Oh keep still my beating heart. How many more maidens does thou seek to slay? How many more hearts does thou need to break.

Or is that just thy way of making friends?

So it seems that I hardly know the power that I have.

So how many have been caught in the web already?

Gavin pondered @ 20:17

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

One too many personas behind one face, and not one to wear as mine. All fighting for control yet they all remain eternally stuck in a stalemate. There exist nothing strong enough to force a result, yet, it is certainly important to find a inner balnce at least.

Only when circumstances compel drastic changes shall the true luster be revealed under pressure. What is a person to do, a person who is not meant to live in peace-time. What shall be the fate of a restless wandering soul? Where does the warrior spirit go too seek his worth?

I hardly know.

Especially when I ahrdly even unedrstand feelings. Are you supposed to be who you want to be or are you meant to excel in the circumstances that you find yourself in?

I do not know who I want ot be, I do not know how I want to do. I only know that whatever the case, all I want is to be the best.=, yet I also want to be the good guy, the infallable hero.

Sometimes it even feels that it's not what you meant to make others feel. It's not what the words you say to others mean. Instead, it is only what others make of it that seems to have the lasting impact.

Yet I know that it is what I mean to say that is most important.

Gavin pondered @ 19:15

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The SONY Memory Stick watermark on the sketchbook is starting to annoy me.

Gavin pondered @ 18:46