Precocious. Little. Clover. Devil

Friday, April 28, 2006


I was contemplating this very day. Could I have simply been angry all this while?

Not stress, not depression, nor anything sad.

Just pure simple anger.

That would explain alot of things.

I takes just simple words to point out glaring faults that you usually fail to observe. Just like how Sherman can point out the fact that even in this day and age, all men are still not equal.

This world, unlike my world, is ruled by humans, not logic. Traditon, taboo, religion, culture, morals and values. It was pretty silly of me to assume that human thought processes do not vary from an individual to the next. I think I'm wrong.

The question is applying it, and who really matters.

Who?

Ah well, I don't know either. I guess I'll take some time and be a temporary convert to fatalsim. aslright Miss. Random, it's your show now.

Oh yes, and a little song to go along.

Blur - Sweet Song

What am I to do
Someone is really unhappy
Put myself on the knife
It seems I never got through to you
So I’ll wean myself off slowly

I’m a darkened soul
My street’s all pop music and coke
All our lives on tv
Just switch off and try to sleep
People get so lonely

I believe, I believe, I believe
Everything’s out to see
I believe, I believe, I believe
I believe it’s the way it should be
I hope you feel the same

Everyone is dying
Stop crying now here comes the sun
I didn’t mean to hurt you, oh no no
It takes time to see what you’ve done
So I’ll wean myself off slowly

I believe, I believe, I believe
Love is the only one
I deceive, I deceive, I deceive
I deceive cos I’m not that strong
I hope you feel the same

And now, now
It seems that
It’s falling apart
But I hope I see the good in you
Come back again
I just believed in you


He sang that he deceives. Who doesn't eh?

I bothers me some times that I can't tell people what I really want to tell them. Scared that it'll just scare them off, scared that it'll spoil everything. Scared of letting people see the real me?

Hmm...


Gavin pondered @ 23:32


Thursday, April 27, 2006
Chernobyl



http://www.chernobyl.info/index.php?userhash=13343637&navID=13&lID=2

Strange allure to this sullen structure, the concrete sarcophagus enacsing a lifetime of nightmares, and a melting pot of man's worse fears. A grave filled with death, a death that comes to one on unseen wings.

This concrete sarcophagus was constructed in the aftermath of the Chernobyl disaster, it's prupose was to contain the remaining radioactive materials inside the reactor.

Did I mention that the thing is falling apart right as we speak?

Yes, and to prevent the release of some remaining 95% of the nuclear dust, the G-7 have undertaken a project to construct a new containment structure over the current one.

Which would last a 100 years. Of course, I haven't revealed that the materials would require at least 100,000 years to stabalize and be safe.

At least people care and are trying their best to solve the problem.

I wonder if they ever feel like they're all alone in their endeavours. Fighting against an invisible enemy, working towards intangible goals, amidst insurmountable criticism and opposition. I admire these people.

Some day, I want to be like them. Resolute and determined.


Gavin pondered @ 21:26


Saturday, April 22, 2006
Pardon?


A long time ago, she once said, "Why can't I be there when you're sad?"

I couldn't answer, because I was only sad when she was not around. Of course I didn't say that.

That was years ago, and yet, I feel as though I've not grown one bit. Sometimes, the I feel as though I slide endlessly backward. Happiness and Melancholy, what seperates these two? I don't know.

Gloomy Sunday by Billie Holiday sounds so sweet. The feeling of immense dark and deep sorrow feels so attractive at times. Yet, I know this causing me to feel ever helpless.

Someone said my blog feel dark. It is.

It feel as though there is no one to talk about this darkness to. Who would understand? Who would listen?

So I end up appearing distant, insincere, and ever confounding to any and everyone.

That week I couldn't, didn't want to tell you I felt miserable. It's just that I never want to tell anyone. Especially not you. I couldn't I can't handle insecurity very well.

This. This here proves my humanity. The insecurity, the sadness, the fear. The falling, the stumbles, the pain and the ugly. I'm not some deranged suicidal maniac crying out in desperate hours. No. I am merely human.

Do you see it? A silly soliloquy. I am talking to myself in hopes that something would actualize my thoughts. Childish. Makes me feel better though.

Maybe I'm simply a hormone driven sex-deprived despot searching for a mate. But what I really crave is a soulmate to share this with.


Gavin pondered @ 23:33


Thursday, April 20, 2006
Marble



Piercing through your soul. The eyes.


Gavin pondered @ 21:26


Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Desperate cries.


I cry for a meaning. I cry for sembelance of a life. I cry out for something worthy to do.

If there is anyone, willing to light a path, I will be willing to lend my ears.

To fill every minute in between, to occupy every free day spent in vain.

In other words, to find some place where I belong. I'm starting to get tired of running alone in the wild. Really, really tired of this boring life.

I've tried extravagance, I've tried solitude, I've tried procastination and I've tried resignation. Nothing works.

In the puzzle of life, where does free time fit? Outside of work and study, what is free time for? Surely it's sole purpose is not to torment me?

Help.


Gavin pondered @ 21:21


Sunday, April 16, 2006


Grabbed this off Mei's blog. It is pretty accurate. It is quite alarming to note that the types I scored high for are all emotionally detached.

Enneagram Test Results

You are most likely a type 4.

Taking wings into account, you seem to be a 4w3.

No personality test is completely accurate. Although several measures were taken to make this test as accurate as possible, there's always a chance that you are not typed correctly by it. Therefore, when deciding which Enneagram type you are, you might also want to consider the types with the highest test scores on the lists below.

(Note that your lowest scores may be omitted.)
Type 4 - 11
Type 8 - 9.3
Type 1 - 9.3
Type 3 - 9
Type 5 - 6.3
Type 6 - 5.7
Type 7 - 5

Wing 4w3 - 15.5
Wing 3w4 - 14.5
Wing 4w5 - 14.2
Wing 8w7 - 11.8
Wing 5w4 - 11.8
Wing 1w2 - 10.8
Wing 8w9 - 10.5
Wing 1w9 - 10.5
Wing 3w2 - 10.5
Wing 7w8 - 9.7
Wing 5w6 - 9.2
Wing 6w5 - 8.9
Wing 6w7 - 8.2
Wing 7w6 - 7.9

Enneagram Type 4 - The Individualist

Identity seekers, who feel unique and different

Enneagram type 4 - The IndividualistPeople of this personality type tend to build their identities around their perception of themselves as being somehow different or unique; they are thus self-consciously individualistic. Fours tend to see their difference from others as being both a gift and a curse - a gift, because it sets them apart from those they perceive as being somehow "common," and a curse, as it so often seems to separate them from the simpler forms of happiness that others so readily seem to enjoy. Thus, Fours can manage to feel superior to others while also secretly harboring some degree of longing and envy. A feeling of being a member of the "true aristocracy" alternates with deep feelings of shame, and fears of somehow being deeply flawed or defective.

Fours are emotionally complex and highly sensitive. They long to be understood and appreciated for their authentic selves, but easily feel misunderstood and unappreciated. They have a tendency to withdraw in the face of a world that seems harsh or crude, and are often somewhat moody or temperamental. They are emotionally centered and spend much of their lives immersed in their internal mental landscapes, where they feel free to cultivate and analyse their feelings. A desire to manifest this internal world often leads Fours to an interest in the arts, and some do become actual artists. Whether artistic or not, however, most Fours are aesthetically sensitive and concerned with self-expression and self-revelation, whether it be in the clothes they wear or in the overall nature of their often idiosyncratic lifestyles.

Fours are somewhat melancholic by disposition, and under stress tend to lapse into depression. They also tend to be self-absorbed, even under the best of circumstances, but when unbalanced, easily give way to a self-indulgence which they perceive as being fully justified as a way to compensate for the general lack of pleasure they experience in their lives. Rather than look for practical solutions to their difficulties, Fours are prone to fantasizing about a savior who will rescue them from their unhappiness.

Intellectual Fours tend to mistakenly type themselves as Fives, and a heavy wing can certainly exacerbate this tendency. Fours however, unlike Fives, tend to be self-revealing and comfortable with emotional expression.


Gavin pondered @ 19:48


Friday, April 14, 2006


To do what I like, to do what I want. Seems to have become the hardest thing. It's a stifling feeling, and I want to break out of it. Do you guys even realize that?

It's not just about the words I say, it's in the actions, in the emotions and in the voice.

I get interupted in mid-sentence, I get cut of mid-sentence. What the hell is that?

Alright, you guys want to see the Devil? You shall get your wish.


Gavin pondered @ 22:49


Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Little Kitten


Have I ever reiterated how much I do not enjoy playing computer games?

The only thing the give to me is despair and helplessness, knowing that I am bound by a set of ridiculous, "planned" rules. About the only reason I play comupters games is to escape reality. To kill time. In rare cases, to enjoy the story. When I play computer games, I get irritated, I get fustrated and I get angry. What for?

And I ask myslef. How often do I do anything that I really like?

At least I did something I really liked today. Playing with that little kitten at the bus stop during lunch. Grey white striped marble fur, grey-blue gorgeous eyes. Letting me stroke it's fur as though it knew me from birth. Honestly? I almost felt as though I was the only person in the world. It was a pity we didn't get any pictures of it.

Showing a soft side... It's embarrassing. Playing around with that kitten would be something I usually do when no one's around. But... What the heck, Carpe Diem, no?

I bet I must have looked really childish there and then, BUT don't you dare laugh at me!


Gavin pondered @ 22:19


Monday, April 10, 2006


Life's lesson number 1. Ferrero Rochers should be eaten cold. Warm Rochers are soft and mushy, and in all, a horrible gastronomical experience.

Life's lesson number 2. Patience is a virtue. Especially when luck fails you, don't panic. Try again later, but if there's not later, it wasn't meant to be. There is no point in prolonging the ephemeral.

Life's lesson number 3. Fear yourself. For you shall be your greatest enemy.

Life's lesson number 4. Trust your instincts.

Life's lesson number 5. The hardest to achieve, but nonetheless, be true to yourself.

Who knows. Perhaps stubbornly leading my life my way will lead me somwhere some day.


Gavin pondered @ 21:09


Sunday, April 09, 2006
The Devil's words


I wonder.

Is it that there is no one I can talk to, or is there no one who wants to listen?

Could it simply be because i refuse to open up?

A dark, dark soul. Not evil, just dark. Who dares to befriend this Devil, I ask?

The devil's heart with an affinity for pain and suffering, condemned to hell, slowly working a path to redemption. Not worthy of love or worthy of care, wishing the whole world well if I could just bear its pain on my shoulders. Let me take it all away, and leave you in joy and peace. Then I think; who will continue bearing that weight after I am gone.

The devil in me thinks too.

We work as a team. Together. But I cannot possibly repay anyone. I have nothing to offer in return, but pain and sadness.

They said that Devils never will cry, then why do I tell you that I do? I have nothing to offer in return, nothing to present as reciprocal. I know not of this 'gratitude' or its meaning.

In other words, nothing worthy of concern to anyone else. It is unreasonable to ask anyone to care for a Devil. It would require the patience of an Angel.

Yet, how can a Devil possibly take in an Angel's words with his inconceivably arrogant pride? Can the Devil understand the Angel's foreign words, and not pretend to listen? Can the Devil afford to allow, and trust the Angel with his soul?

Most people give up on me. And tell me, do Angels still exist? Would they give up on me too?

The Devil's heart in me refuses to believe that the greatest strength lies outside myself. Too proud, too arrogant and too full of myself. However, I know that my heart refuses to submit.

This is simply ridiculous. A ludicrous and cruel joke, that is being palyed on me. If I'm so sure of my own abilities, why do I even need anyone else?


Gavin pondered @ 22:06


Thursday, April 06, 2006


After all these years. it's still a lonely path. It's still us, walking alone together. Strong enough to survive, but not strong enough to stop wanting.

People come and people go, endlessly. Singing to myself...

And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder


Walking, walking, walking. I don't have to. It is a simple matter of trusting the people around me.

They deserve it.

So what do I deserve?

Nothing.

Except for hope. Just all that I need.


Gavin pondered @ 23:05


Sunday, April 02, 2006




Nope, he's not dead, he was sleeping.

Anyways, I caught Keeping Mum today. It was a bloody good show, with nothing much of a story but it touches on the human heart. The acting was brilliant, and the scenery was absolutely marvelous. I especially loved the part where Rowan Atkinson's character,Walter gave the speech to the congregation of priests. Absolutely brilliant.

No spoilers though =p

On the bus home thoughm a really amazing thing happened. I had a chat with this old lady whom I didn't even know. It was quite mortifying at first, speaking to a total stranger, but it felt good in the end.

With no cares, just talking about nothing in particular.

In a long, long, time, actually about 2 weeks, I felt really happy.


Gavin pondered @ 21:23


Saturday, April 01, 2006


4 roll of the dice = 4 odd numbers.

Checked clock thrice = odd numbers all 3 times.

Asked 2 friends for random numbers = twice odd numbers.

I said I'll go if it's an odd number, BUT I also said I won't go if she didn't ask me to.

So the original statement stands, thus voiding the number fracas. I wish I could be more resolute at times... Sigh.


Gavin pondered @ 22:47


Under the layers of dust