Saturday, April 22, 2006
Pardon?
A long time ago, she once said, "Why can't I be there when you're sad?"
I couldn't answer, because I was only sad when she was not around. Of course I didn't say that.
That was years ago, and yet, I feel as though I've not grown one bit. Sometimes, the I feel as though I slide endlessly backward. Happiness and Melancholy, what seperates these two? I don't know.
Gloomy Sunday by Billie Holiday sounds so sweet. The feeling of immense dark and deep sorrow feels so attractive at times. Yet, I know this causing me to feel ever helpless.
Someone said my blog feel dark. It is.
It feel as though there is no one to talk about this darkness to. Who would understand? Who would listen?
So I end up appearing distant, insincere, and ever confounding to any and everyone.
That week I couldn't, didn't want to tell you I felt miserable. It's just that I never want to tell anyone. Especially not you. I couldn't I can't handle insecurity very well.
This. This here proves my humanity. The insecurity, the sadness, the fear. The falling, the stumbles, the pain and the ugly. I'm not some deranged suicidal maniac crying out in desperate hours. No. I am merely human.
Do you see it? A silly soliloquy. I am talking to myself in hopes that something would actualize my thoughts. Childish. Makes me feel better though.
Maybe I'm simply a hormone driven sex-deprived despot searching for a mate. But what I really crave is a soulmate to share this with.
Gavin
pondered @ 23:33
