Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Out of hell
I feels good to breathe the air of the mainland once again, after being "held against my will" on the island of tekong. Though it is incorrect to suggest that I was forced back unto that place. I volunteered to go back... And the price I paid was much greater than I would ever imagine.
There's so many "souvenirs" I've brought back from that blasted place. The Tekong cough, blisters on my feet, anguish, pain, and the suspicion that I have Thalassemia...
I swear that I'm never going back there. My friends were quite right in stating that I was out of my mind.
It's just not worth it, giving up a good life and only to get exploited in return. That's how armies work. The most astounding fact is that I actually compromised on my ideals of being a pacifist. Darn good, the government is at propagenda. I would never have xpected myself to feel the least bit compelled to kill another human being, yet I allowed myself to be taught the skills neccessary to render a man "out of service."
Defending the nation through the use of arms is an inevitability. Darn... I must be a fool for actually believing in that. War should never be considered unavoidable. It must always be considered only as a remote possibility, a last resort. Why must we believe in the "power" of bloodshed?
I'm not a soldier. I don't want to be a soldier.
I hate fighting, and I detest violence.
Maybe this is the unknown feeling impairing me since I don't know when. It seems that after enlistment into NS that I've begun to have all those feelings of insecurity, the loss of my own being. I concur that it is time that I should stop trying to be what I don't want to be. There's no point in exceling in something that you do not staunchly believe in. Even worse if you have to make yourself believe that you really are inclined towards the ideal that they are trying to inculcate in you. It's like suddenly waking up one day to find that you no longer have a grasp of who you are anymore.
Perhaps this is what has been bothering me for the past few months. This voice inside me wants to break out, the opriginal "me" hidden below layers of false dreams, and false memories that do not belong to me. I should just be myself. No lies, no false glory. Just the real me.
The government is good. They almost had me back there. But they must also realize that I'm no pushover either.
Gavin
pondered @ 09:56
