Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Incoherent
So I shall be going photo taking tomorrow. With someone I shouldn't.
Curiousity dictates it such that I feel compelled to experiment with those emotions again. To see if those hidden memories prove to evoke the same reactions or would they produce a new experience after all this time. After all I've been through.
I remember how she had dared me to let go. I did. A quite unexpected move, even surprising myself, but the results were "refreshing" at the very least. One can almost say it forced me to grow overnight.
There will always be a stigma about looking back, but this time, it's about facing the past, it is about confronting your my fears. My own insecurities. Eventually, you stop wondering what would have been, and it all begins to seem so distant as the self-defence device, the one known as dissociation and denial start to paint over the truth with the colors of your memories.
Stories are invented to reduce the anguish, and lies are weaved into webs to protect the fragile heart inside.
I don't really know whether I should laugh or cry, because I know the tales have been created to placate the tormented soul, and to at least retain that shred of dignity, or that glimmer of pride.
It's funny really, how one tries so hard to portray a false front. As if trying to sell a false image would heal the wounds. On the contrary, it only is slightly better than rubbing salt into raw wounds.
Thus it is imperative that the past be accept.
And tomorrow, I must remember to catch up on the old times. At the very least, thank her. Not in sarcasm, but sincerely. The right actions a little too late. Still better than never.
Though something tells me that I should have postponed the photo taking to another day with the correct person.
I hate when my intuition goes against my logic.
Gavin
pondered @ 23:40
