Monday, November 05, 2007
Articulating the real side of me
5. Oliver Twist, Charles DickensTook me forever to finish this book. It's not that hard a read to be honest, but I was somewhat hindered by unnecessarily dreary beginning. Once it proceeded past the formalities and into the plot proper, it made for an interesting read.
-----Let's shift the focus back to real life as I found articulation to an indescribable thought hanging on my mind.
It seems that the most natural and uninhibited form of inflection occurs when there's an innocent and true expression of self. Such occurs often when one sincerely wishes to endeavour in aiding another.
In the midst of trying to help a friend, it hit me. The way to word it, because the advice I wanted to dispense applied to her.
(I promised my friend to keep her secret, so sorry folks, I can't reveal her identity.)
Friend: I'm afraid to cause unnecessary hurt and it's like impossible to pursue it when I'm not sure myself. What he thinks, and how I feel.Me: You've got to try. (Wants to articulate something but fails)A while later
Friend: Maybe you're just a good friend to her?The epiphany strikes me then.
Me: That's it! The point is, how she feels, and what she thinks are already set, whatever's on her mind and what opinion she's formed has been formed, and that's not my call to worry about. Yes, that's it, it's not for us to worry about the other end, because that's already happened. It IS our prerogative to make the other party take notice, to change perhaps what is a bad opinion. In other words, it's not my job to worry if she likes me or not, my job is to DO something, something to impress, flatter or to change opinions.
Yes, that is it, to my friend and to myself. That's how it is. It's pointless worrying all day about how the other party feels. That borders on the brink of the obsessive compulsive. Something to be done. To do something, and in that process to ascertain truths and facts that I might be afraid to pursue, however, regardless of fear or reservations, that is much more constructive than contemplation, than just sitting and peeling petals saying "she likes me, she likes me not." It's bad for the flowers.
The truth is, certain opinions have been formed, be it in my mind, your mind, or her mind. A revelation does not indicate a sudden change. Everything is a result of the times, over years, repressed and unable to find an avenue for expression. More importantly, nothing changes as well. Regardless of the outcome, it shouldn't change, for that change is admission that the goodwill, the kindness and the interest are merely devices, as the means to an end.
If the possibility of a negative reaction is strong enough to discourage or is the reality of an unrequited emotions is going to alter attitudes, and perhaps diminish the civility and generosity, then it would seem that whatever goodwill is premeditated, and intended only impress. That is vaguely shallow, and pointless.
For all intents and purposes, this earnest expression of affection is true and unburdened by ulterior motives. Hardly can I qualify myself to be a romantic, but I am a self-professed idealist who dreams of the pursuit of romanticism. I might fall, I might fail. Like a knight in servitude, without demand for anything in return, save for a piece of mind, that his charge is safe, and happy.
As I say, whatever happens, it changes nothing.
Especially not the fact that I'm still craving potato salad.
Gavin
pondered @ 22:54
