Sunday, April 15, 2007
Gibberish, nonetheless, I need to get it off my chest.
Disclaimer: Rant alert.Please excuse the crude language and senseless banter.
I hardly remember dreams these days, but, I did this one. In it was she, I mean I hardly ever dream of people to begin with, not real ones. Antropormorphic personifications, fantasy realms and ficiton, that's the usual contents of my dreams.
But thi one was real, not real, real, but based on reality real. The places were real and the people too. You were there and then you were not. She transformed into someone else. Weirdness. One moment it was she, the next it was someone else.
Freud said dreams were a reflection of memories, fragments of truth mixed with imagination and edited with fiction. Pretty much so, but how can I start mixing people up?
It's as though the nightmare encounters with girls in my life are melding together into one memory and its manifest is an amagamation of the characteristics that I liked, loved, wished to see and the hurt, the torment and the flaws. Melding into one weird fragment of emotions and being applied unto her.
m, a case of mistaken emotions.
k, it was unrequitted.
j, much fun while it lasted.
y, a case of non-resolution.
a, just two loners.
c, I was hunged and left there.
6 of them looing over like shadows. Past tense, and question marks. They're like a closet full of likable skeletons, and thanks to ambiguity, never really existed.
Scaring the shit out of me, hurting the guts off of me, and ensuring that absolutely no one is trusted.
Oh dear, oh dear. Gavin, when will you ever get up and learn? When will you ever pick yourself up from that crying puddle in the corner of the room.
The pain of the world, the cries of the planet, these are all bearable, but when left alone in the solitude of the silent night, is a fear and insecurity that needs to be overcome.
Afraid, shivering and cowering inside, afraid to be who I really want to be, because it might contain dark bits. trying too hard to impress and forgetting myself. Putting on facades to deceive, yes, deception, and pretence. Who can I show my true self to?
The realm of uncertainty, the realm of hopelessness, the barren land of despair and melancholy, where I stalk as the evil, unlikable, so justifying the uneasiness I feel. A devil or death, which duty dictates, shall roam forever alone.
It's just an exucse for having no one to cuddle in the middle of the night. A sad lie to decorate the pathetically weak and unsound foundations of a shaky castle. Expounding virtues and principles and dreams of making life better for everyone, in hopes that it makes the void a little less empty. It doesn't work, there's alwas this hole there, that missing link, just someone to hold me and tell me it's alright even when I fail. Someone I shall protect to the ends of the world.
Gavin
pondered @ 22:16
