Friday, November 18, 2005
I miss...
When I sit down to think about it, I think I miss alot of things. I miss playing music, and I miss the feel of the cool piano keys underneath my fingers and the special world that it brought me into.
I miss taekwondo lessons. The days wearing the white gi and the brown belt. I still remember vaguely the steps to tying it. I still remember how I purposely flunked the blue belt test twice because 'I liked the blue belt'. Those days were spent in the hall practicing the patterns, punching kicking, and sparring.
I miss the old science pond in my primary school, that little green pool flled with water hyacinths and fishes. In fact, I miss the recesses during my primary school days.
I miss doing prefect duty and I miss the stall vendors whom I came to know quite well in those 6 years. Auntie Margeret, the drink stall owner, Uncle John, the rice stall vendor with his famous Pork Chop. Not to forget Uncle Michael, my kindergarden bus driver who also ran the "yong tau foo" stall in the school.
Recess used to be this sacred thing. Exploring the compound under pretence of doing prefect duty. Playing soccer in front of the bookshop with all manners of "balls". We tried Chaptehs, ping-pong balls, tennis balls, and the venerable plastic waterbottle.
It's even more amazing that I can remember such details. I can still remember the teacher's names, the classmates. Those were really interesting times.
Then came an even better 4 years. The secondary school days. I miss those buttons and shorrs of the Catholic High uniform. Oh man, the secondary school days were a blast. There was never a dull moment. Seocondary 1 camp, I remember, the first time staying away from home, and the first taste of rebellion as we sneaked of in the middle of the night to look for spooks.
Then there was the outward bound camp during secondary two. The first experience of something remotely resembling military life. It was 3 days of suffering, and it was also 3 days of bonding.
I miss the Wushu in Cat High. I miss dear old coach, "Huang Jia Lian" and his torturous regime. I miss the time when we took part in the inter-school competition and won gold.
I miss the myriad of competitions and performances I took part in in Secondary school. I miss the feeling of winning, and I miss the spotlight. I miss craving all that attention.
But I don't miss so much of the recent things. Junior Colleage was boring. I had only 1, desire which was to fade into obscurity. Though i still miss many things from JC. I miss the drama club. I miss the few real friends I had.
It's pretty ironic that I should miss the things that were all planned out nicely for me. Whatever choices that I mdae and I fought for, they seem so empty. At least when I was struggling for freedom, I was fighting against something. I guess I just miss a strictly disciplined life, a life that is almost dictated solely by the wishes of others.
I miss the days when internet access wa scarce. I miss the times when there was still a concept of rarity, and I miss the days where I couldn't get what I wanted.
I don't want to please just mysself. I want to do things that will change the world. I don't want to live only for myself, I want to live for others too.
But first, I must shake of the feeling that I must be able to get everything I want. I need to lose it all, I need to fall to the deepest depths first. I need to accept the importance of suffering.
I don't want people patronizing me anymore, I don't want people to protect me like a weak little thing. I don't want everything brought to me on a golden platter. Then maybe you will understand that this life is TOO SLOW! My abilities are barely being tested, and I'm far from any limits. I long for that excitment I long for that busy life.
Damn it. I need to live a life that tries to tear me limb from limb. I don't want all the free time in the world, if I still see the world from such a distance. Deep inside of me, there beats the heart of a "do-er", not any other heart. As thoug some sort of unnnatural energy is driving me forward. DAMN IT.
Gavin
pondered @ 21:08
